Newest jokes

What do you call an honest lawyer?An oxymoron.

What was the inscription on the tomb of

Frankenstein's monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE
REST IN PIECES.

Where does
the bride of Frankenstein have
her hair done?
At the ugly parlour.

Q.What do me and a mirror have in common?

A.When we see your face we both crack up!

''Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a

werewolf! Is that true?''
''No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your
face.''

Teacher: What
a glum face, what would you say
if I came to school with a face like
yours ?
Pupil: I'd be too
polite to mention it !

Witch: Doctor, I can't help pulling ugly faces.

Doctor: Well there's nothing terrible about that.
Witch: It is
when the people with ugly faces don't like them being
pulled.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.''I'm not getting out of bed at this time,'' he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. ''Aren't you going to answer that?'' sayshis wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opensthe door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take thehomeowner long to realize the man was drunk.''Hi there.'' slurs the stranger, ''Can you give me a push??'' ''No, getlost, it's half past three. I was in bed.'' says the man and slams thedoor.He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says ''Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke downin the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitterand you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? Whatwould have happened if he'd told us to get lost??''''But the guy was drunk.'' says the husband.''It doesn't matter.'' says the wife. ''He needs our help and it would bethe right thing to do.''So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. Heopens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:''Hey, do you still want a push??'' and he hears a voice cry out ''Yeah please.''So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: ''Where are you?''And the stranger replies: ''I'm over here, on your swing.''

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and theylived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English,but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn'tknow how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a wayto communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lostthe shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised tosend the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers,his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said, ''If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab.''So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regainhis financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of thecasino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he couldmake the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. ''How much for a rideto the airport?'' he asked. ''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply. ''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?'' ''What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!''The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to hisold friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How muchfor a ride to the airport?'' The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''The businessman said ''OK'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessmangave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretchedout to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignifiedhandshake from Queen Elizabeth II.They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London wherethey boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificentwhite horses.As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side andwaving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, allwas going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry anddignity.Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip themost horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did theirbest to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that wasa ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassingsituation.She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, ''Mr. President, please accept myregrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even aQueen cannot control.''George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, ''Your Majesty, pleasedon't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't saidsomething I would have assumed it was one of the horses.''

Imagine you`re in a room with no windows and no doors,how do you get out?Stop imagining!Sent by Cally

My HMO is terrible. They charge me for a self-examination.It's a flat fee.-Wendy Liebman

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?-George Carlin

The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money-Jay Leno

Where does a ghost refuel his Porsche?
At a
ghastly station.

What do ghosts like about riding horses?

Ghoulloping.

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before
someone screams.

|These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers). ''Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.'' ''Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.'' ''A room temperature IQ.'' ''Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.'' ''A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.'' ''A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.'' ''A prime candidate for natural deselection.'' ''Bright as Alaska in December.'' ''One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.'' ''Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.'' ''Fell out of the family tree.'' ''Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.'' ''Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.'' ''He's so dense, light bends around him.'' ''If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.'' ''If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.'' ''If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.'' ''If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.'' ''Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.'' ''Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.'' ''Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.'' ''Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.''

|A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.A rancher rode past.''Say, friend'', called out one of the men, ''how far is it to the next town?''''Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon,'' called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.''How far to the next town?'' the men asked him eagerly.''Oh, a good two miles.''A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. ''Hey, how far's the next town?''''Not far,'' was the encouraging answer, ''only about two miles.''''Well,'' sighed the optimistic sergeant, ''thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!''