Newest jokes

A little boy came running into the kitchen. ''Dad,
dad,'' he
said, ''there's a monster at the door with a really ugly
face.''
''Tell him you've already got one,'' said his father.

|When Fishermen Meet''Hiyamac''''Lobuddy''''Binearlong?''''Coplours''''Cetchenny?''''Goddafew''''Kindarthay?''''Bassencarp''''Ennysizetoom?''''Couplapowns''''Hittinhard?''''Sordalike''''Wachoosen?''''Gobbawurms''''Fishanonaboddum?''''Rydononaboddum''''Whatchadrinkin?''''Jugajimbeam''''Igoddago''''Tubad''''Seeyaroun''''Yeahtakideezy''''Guluck''

|Ten common fishing terms explainedCatch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit. Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook). Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend. Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop. Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard. Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish. School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead. Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard. Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one. Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming ''that darn line'' for once again losing the fish.

|Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, ''Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.'' After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. ''Let's call the boys Towards and Away,'' suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, ''Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea.'' They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. ''My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?'' she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: ''We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.'' ''Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!'' ''Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away....''

Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap!

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it?

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was thebest laugh he'd ever had.

What do you get if you cross a newsreader
and a toad
?
A croaksman !

What do you get if you cross a ghost and a
newsreader ?
A spooksman !

|Things Mom Would Never Say''How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?'' ''Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too'' ''Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery'' ''Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week'' ''Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day'' ''Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.'' ''The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.'' ''I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve'' ''Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve''

|A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.In very tiny letters, the stamp said, ''When you can read this, come back and see me.''

|The First Parent by Bill Cosby Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: ''Don't.'' ''Don't what?'', Adam replied. ''Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'' ''Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?'' ''It's over there,'' said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. ''Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?'' the First Parent asked. ''Uh huh,'' Adam replied. ''Then why did you?'' ''I dunno,'' Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

|The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME. FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so. ** Click **

Father: You've
got 4 D's and a C on
your report.
Son: ''Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject
!''

Father: What did you learn in school today
?
Son: That three and three are seven.
Father: Three and three are
six !
Son: I guess I didn't learn anything today then !

A father is asked by his
friend, ''Has
your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?''

''Yes, he
wants to be a garbage collector,'' he replies

To this his friend
responds, ''Strange ambition to have for a career.''

''Well, he
thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!''

A sweet little boy
surprised his
grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He
made it himself
and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the
verdict on the
quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life
had such
a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she

noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the
cup.
She asked, ''Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the

bottom of my cup?''
Her grandson replied, ''You know grandma, it's
like on TV, 'The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.''

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. ''I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin.'' ''Sit down,'' says the judge. ''That's the prosecuting attorney.''

What kind of monster is safe
to put in the
washing machine?-
A wash and wear wolf

Frankenstein: Help, I've got a short circuit!

Igor: Don't worry, I'll lengthen it.