Newest jokes

You said this horse could
jump as high as a
ten foot fence and he can't jump at all.
Well neither can a
fence!

What kind of horse can swim underwater

without coming up for air ?
A seahorse !

What is the slowest racehorse in the world ?

A clotheshorse !

A mean horseman went into a saddler's shop and

asked for one spur. ''One spur?'' asked the saddler. ''Surely you mean
a
pair of spurs, sir?'' ''No, just one,'' replied the horseman. ''If I
can
get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to
come with
it!''

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.The headquarters in the US calls:''Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions.''He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releasesthe oxygen.A few moments later headquarters calls again: ''Monkey #2, Monkey #2report to coms for instructions.'' He sits down and he is told to addCarbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.A little later on, headquarters calls again: ''Woman, woman please report to coms for instructions.'' She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says..... ''I know, I know!! Feedthe monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing.''

What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?A woman who won't do what she's told.

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing newDrive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cashwithout leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilisethis facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored tobest reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Open the car window3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN4. Enter amount of cash required and press ''enter''5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt6. Close window7. Drive awayPROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM3. Re-start stalled engine4. Open the car window5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card6. Turn radio down7. Attempt to insert card into ATM8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM9. Insert card10. Re-insert card the right way up11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under ''Date of Birth''13. Enter PIN14. Press ''cancel'' and re-enter PIN15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press ''enter''17. Retrieve cash and receipt18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside19. Place receipt in back of cheque book20. Re-check make-up21. Drive forward two metres22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind23. Retrieve card24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot25. Drive two or three kilometres26. Release hand brake

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's LifeThe Doctor - who tells her to ''take off all her clothes.'' The Dentist - who tells her to ''open wide.'' The Milkman - who asks her ''do you want it in the front or the back?'' The Hairdresser - who asks her ''do you want it teased or blown?'' The Interior Designer - who tells her ''once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!'' The Banker - who insists to her ''if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!'' The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her ''Keep quiet and lie still!''

What are the three fastest means of communication?Internet Telephone Telawoman!

Did you hear about the spanish fireman who named his sone Hose A and Hose B?

What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went 'tick, tick,tick'?'Ve haff vays of making you tock!'

What is the left side of an apple?
The part
that you don't eat.

What kind of apple isn't an apple?
A
pineapple.

What did the apple say to the apple
pie?
''You've got some crust.''

What did the worm want to do when he grew

up?
He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).

How do you make an apple turnover?
Push it
down hill.

There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they'd heard last night was. He replied, ''Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.''The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night. During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, ''Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.''Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was. So, he said, ''Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!

What do you get if you cross a moth with a

firefly?
An insect that can find its way around a dark closet.

If a flea and a
fly pass each other what
time is it?
Fly past flea.

What's a vampire's favorite dance?
The
Vaults.