Newest jokes

A pair of tourists were out in the
fields
when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm
house. Of course
they're curious so they drop a small stone into the
well, but they
never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a
larger rock and drop it
into the well but once again hear nothing. They
decide they need
something larger and search the farm yard for a
larger object. After much
struggle, they manage to drag a large
railroad tie to the edge of the well
and drop it over the
edge.

After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any

hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand
in
amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is
looking for
a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat
diving into
the well.

''That couldn't be my goat'', the farmer
replies, ''My goat was
grazing in the field roped to a railroa
d tie!''

''Were you in Paris on your

vacation?''

''I don't know, my wife got the tickets.''

Waiter, what is this bug doing on
my
wives shoulder!
I don't know - friendly thing isn't he !

Two little boys were
visiting their
grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They
couldn't
make up their minds about what they wanted to eat.
Finally the
grandfather grinned at the server and said, ''Just bring
them bread and
water.''
One of the little boys looked up and quavered, ''Can I have
ketchup on
it?''

I went to a restaurant that serves

-breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the

Renaissance.

How do you make a moth bawl?
Hit him with a
fly swatter.

What insect lives on nothing?
A moth,
because it eats holes.

Which fly captured the ladybird?
The
dragon-fly.

Why was the ladybird kicked out of the forest?

Because she was a litter bug.

What do you call A Tale of Two Mosquitoes?

A bite-time story.

|Psychiatrist: What's your problem?Patient: I think I'm a chicken.Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Dick and Bob
were on a hunting trip. At
nightfall, Dick complained, 'We've been
hunting all day. We've
shot at five deer - and not hit one!'
'OK. Let's miss two more and
then head back to camp,' said
Bob.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire

seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed

this he whispered to the cowboy, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only
allowed
one seat.'' The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher
became more
impatient. ''Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm
going to have
to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The
usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned

with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the

cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The
cop
surveyed the situation briefly then asked, ''All right buddy,
what's
you're name?''

''Sam,'' the cowboy moaned.


''Where ya from, Sam?''

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... ''The
balcony.''

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were

about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the
three men
to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was
that when
each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop
into the river
and drift out of sight

They put the first
cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy
he slipped out,
fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around
the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed
out of the rope, dropped
into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to
the scaffold, he resisted, ''Please!
Would yaw'l tighten that noose
a little bit? I can't swim!''

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.After dinner, one thing leads toanother and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.As she comes back the male doc says, ''I bet you are a surgeon.''She confirms, and asks how he knew.''Easy, he said, you're always washing your hands.''''That's very clever!'' she says, ''I bet you're an anesthesiologist.''''Wow, how did you guess?'' he asked.''I didn't feel a thing!'' she replied.

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, ''That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?'' ''It's a condom,'' The first lady replies. ''Well, where can you buy those?'' the second lady asks.''Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies.'' the first lady replies. So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. ''Do you guys sell those condom things?'' she asks the pharmacist. ''Why yes we do,'' the pharmacist says a little confused, ''Do you know what size you need?''So the lady says, ''Well it's got to fit a Camel.''

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.Man who run in front of car get tired.Man who run behind car get exhausted.Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.Man with one chopstick go hungry.Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.War not determine who right, war determine who left.Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.Man who drive like hell bound to get there.Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.Man who farts in church sits in own pew.Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

A guy goes to his doctor and says,''Doc, I have a problem.''''My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.''''I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.''The doctor says, ''You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.''The man says, ''You have a deal Doc.''Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.The doctor asks, ''What happened''?The man answered, ''Nobody showed up!''

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Boy: You've
got a face like a million
dollars.
Girl: Have I really?
Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.