Newest jokes

What is red and goes putt, putt, putt?
An
outboard apple.

What
person adds best in hot weather?
A
summer.

What kind of umbrella does the Queen of
England carry on a
rainy day?
A wet one.

What does a snowman eat for dinner?
Ice-burgers.

What happened
when the icicle landed on
the sowmman's head?
It knocked him cold.

The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.-Conan O'Brien

Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before-George Carlin

I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they're out of there-Charlie Viracola

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What a woman says: ''This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!''What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now !

|The similarities between Santa and System Admins1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.3. Santa seldom answers your mail.4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, ''Elves make it for me.''5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.8. Santa laughs entirely too much.9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of

the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.

A woman telephoned her local newspaper to

let them know that she had just given birth to eighteen children.
The
reporter didn't quite hear the message and said, ''Would you
repeat
that?''
''Not if I can help it,'' replied the woman.

Reporter: My editor sent
me to do the
burglary.
Policeman: You're too late - it's already been done.

|How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?We don't know - it's never happened.

|How are men and parking spots alike?The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

Teacher: Can you tell me something important
that
didn't exist 100 years ago ?
Pupil: Me !

Windsor castle, outside of London,
is directly in the flight path of
Heathrow International Airport.
While a group of tourist was standing
outside the castle admiring
the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead
at a relatively low
altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One
particularly annoyed
tourist whined, ''Why did they build the castle so
close to the
airport?''