Newest jokes

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hopedto attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: ''Sir, can you pleasetell me where your library is at?''The man looked down his nose and replied: ''Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply.''''Can you tell me where your library is at, ass-hole?''Sent by Randy

New University Promos It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they just aren't getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash, unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle of 'Sesame Street' episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!! COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!! HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!! PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!! PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!! CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!! DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!! M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!! BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your ass from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of 'da weed' with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!! SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the followingconversation took place:First Guy: ''You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come outgolfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.''Second Guy: ''That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will buildher a new deck for the pool.''Third Guy: ''Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that Iwill remodel the kitchen for her.''They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy hasnot said a word. So they ask him, '' You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?''Fourth Guy: ''I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, ''Wear your sweater.''

Why is ''red'' the colour of the University of Georgia?Because they can't spell ''crimson'' or ''scarlet''.

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yardsright down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler andthe ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry,but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight athim. It hit him in the temple and killed him.He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked atthe big book and said, ''I see you were a golfer, isthat correct?''''Yes, I am,'' he replied.St Peter then said, ''Do you hit the ball a long way?''The golfer replied,''You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?''

Q:
How many movie directors does it
take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it
thirty-two times and when he's done
everyone thinks that his last
lightbulb was much better.

Why does an actor enjoy his work so
much?
Because it's all play.

'Is everyone in the bus?' asked the
driver
before he closed the door.

'No,' called a lady, 'wait until I
get my clothes on.'

All the passengers in the bus turned
towards the door to look at the
woman. She got on with a bag full of
laundry.

Have you
heard that all the buses and trains
are stopping today?
No. Is there a strike?
No, they're stopping
to let the passengers off.

What have I got in
my hands?
A double
decker bus!
You looked!

Do buses and trains run on time?
Usually, yes.

No, they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the

tracks.

Conductor, this bus
was very slow!
Oh, I
expect we'll pick up speed now you're getting off!

What do true rednecks do on Halloween? - Pump kin.

After months of negotiation with the authorities, aTalmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visitMoscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.At the next stop a young man got on and sat next tohim. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if heisn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewishbecause this is, after all, a Jewish district. On theother hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission totravel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow thereis a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't needspecial permission to go there. But why would he begoing to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one ofthe Jewish families there, but how many Jewishfamilies are there in Samvet? Only two - theBernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are aterrible family, and a nice looking fellow like himmust be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he'stheir son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughterdid he marry? They say that Sarah married a nicelawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessmanfrom Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Whichmeans that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm notmistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all theanti-Semitism they have there, he must have changedhis name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, hemust have some special status. What could it be? Adoctorate from the University for sure. At this pointthe scholar turns to the young man and says, ''How doyou do, Dr. Kovacs?'' ''Very well, thank you, sir.'' answered the startledpassenger. But how is it that you know my name?'' ''Oh,'' replied the Talmudist, ''it was obvious.''

What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl? - ''Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?''

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what
does
an onion do?
Keeps everyone away.

Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why?

The orchard's on fire.

Two girls were having their packed lunch in

the school yard. One had an apple and the other said,
'Watch out for
worms won't you !'
The first one replied, 'why should I ? They
can watch out for
themselves.

How does an apple a day keep the doctor
away?

When you take careful aim.