Newest jokes

Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c
u r yy 4
me.
Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are
too wise for me.

What do you get if you cross a student and an

alien ?
Something from another universe -ity !

An angel appears at a faculty
meeting and
tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and
exemplary
behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite
wealth,
wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite
wisdom.

''Done!'' says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of
smoke and a bolt
of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the
dean, who sits surrounded by a faint
halo of light. At length, one
of his colleagues whispers, ''Say
something.''

The dean sighs
and says, ''I should have taken the money.''

All the fraternity brothers left the
house
for a long weekend except for Grady, who decided to stay behind and

get some studying done.

One night Grady heard a noise under
his bed.

Fearing it might be a burglar, he leaned over and
whispered, ''Anybody
there?''

''No,'' said the burglar.


''That's funny,'' the boy said to himself. ''I could have sworn I
heard a
noise!''

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his
English
class one day. ''In English,'' he said, ''A double negative
forms a
positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double
negative is
still a negative. However, there is no language wherein
a double positive
can form a negative.'' A voice from the back of
the room piped up,
''Yeah, right.''

Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house

phone.

''Hi,'' said the voice, ''this is Rollie. Come on over,
we're having a
real wildass party.''

''Shit, Ah'd shore love
to,'' said Tad, ''but Ah got me a bad case of
gonorrhea.''


''Bring it along!'' answered Rollie. ''The way thangs is goin', mah

buddies'll drink anythin'!''

|A small boy is sent to bed by his father...[Five minutes later] ''Da-ad...'' ''What?'' ''I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?'' ''No. You had your chance. Lights out.'' [Five minutes later] ''Da-aaaad...'' ''WHAT?'' ''I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??'' ''I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!'' [Five minutes later] ''Daaaa-aaaAAAAD...'' ''WHAT??!!'' ''When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?''

|Parent's Dictionary of MeaningsDUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblingsPUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.VERBAL: able to whine in wordsWHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

What do you call an aardvark that's good at
golf?
A paredvark!

How many aardvarks can ride on an
elephant?
Six... three on the back and three in the trunk!

What did the
impatient waiter ask the
gluttonous aardvark?
Is that your final ant, sir!

What did the aardvark say when he lost
the
race to the ant?
If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em!

How did your mom know
you hadn't washed your
face?
I forgot to wet the soap.

Boy monster: You've got a face like a million

dollars !
Girl monster: Have I really ?
Boy monster: Yes -
it's green and wrinkly !

Two owls were playing pool.
One said, ''Two
hits.''
The other replied, ''Two hits to who?''

What did the scornful owl say?
Twit twoo.

|You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when.... You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. The mosquitoes have landing lights. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday. You head south to go to your cottage. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making. You find -40C a little chilly. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels. You can play road hockey on skates. You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

|Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, ''Mick! I lost me finger!'' ''Have you now?'' says Mick. ''And how did you do it?'' ''I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!''

|There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said ''I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me''.

Why won't the witch
let the traveling pig
actors into her gingerbread cottage?
She's afraid they'll bring down
the house.