Newest jokes

What can a whole apple do that half an apple

can't do?
It can look round.

|Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, ''That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.''

|Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, ''The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.'' They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, ''Do you know where we are?'' ''I think so,'' replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!''

|A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, ''when did you bag him?'' The host said, ''that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.'' ''What's he stuffed with,'' asked the visiting hunter. ''My wife.''

|There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, ''Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie.''

|Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read ''BEAR LEFT'' so they went home

Did you hear about the unlucky
man who
bought some bananas?
They were empty.

Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?Because if they all went it would be hell!

What do men consider a 50-50 relationship?We cook, they eat! We clean, they dirty! We iron, they wrinkle!

Why are dumb blonde jokes only one liners?So men can understand them!

Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?Because men won't stop for directions!

|What's a man's idea of housework?Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

|What is the thinnest book in the world?What men know about women!

|Why don't men eat more M & M's?They are too hard to peel!

|What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?Gifted!

|What is the difference between men and government bonds?Bonds mature!

|8. Two feet tall, forty feet wide 7. Salesman's opening line: ''You're not a cop, are you?'' 6. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers 5. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride. 4. Each branch has ''Duraflame'' printed on it. 3. It's very small and says ''air freshener'' on it. 2. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.1. Constantly bragging about its ''trunk size''

Two men were walking home after a Halloween
party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in
the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise
coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with
fear, they found an old
man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away
at one of the headstones.
''Holy cow, Mister,'' one of them said
after catching his breath, ''You
scared us half to death -- we thought
you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?''
''Those fools!'' the old man
grumbled. ''They misspelled my name!''

A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a
group
of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an

entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges

had a dilemma. They told the contestants that each group was to
quickly
come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' Well the
Aggiess
started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard
just smiled and
prepared their short rhyme. One Harvard student stood
up and for his
group recited 'Through the desert all night we ride
on camels walking
two by two, Destination Timbuktu.' Well the
crowd politely applauded -
they knew the Aggies couldnt beat that and
the Aggies just continued
laughing throughout the whole process. One
Aggie stopped giggling long
enough to stand and read the team's
effort. He said, 'Tim and I, a
hunting went, we came upon three
women in a tent. Since they were three and
we were two, I buk one
and Timbuktu!'

Luke had it first, Paul had it
lost; boys
never had it; girls have it but once; Miss Polly had it
twice in
the same place, but when she married Peter Jones she never had it

again. What is it?
The letter L.