Newest jokes

A man
walked into a therapist's
office looking very depressed. ''Doc, you've
got to help me. I can't
go on like this.''

''What's the problem?'' the docotor
inquired.

''Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the
ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them
away.''

''My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on

your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the

bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun
person, and
an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week
you'll have women buzzing all around you.''

The
man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a

bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden

expression on his face.

''Did my advice not work?'' asked the
doctor.

''It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've e
njoyed some of
the best moments in my life with the most fabulous
looking women.''

''So, what's your problem?''

''I don't
have a problem,'' the man replied. ''My wife does.''

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?She missed.

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?It takes too long to retrain them.

Young Charlie
to dentist's sexy chariside
assistant ''Aha ! Are you the lady
orthodontist ?''.
The lady
replied ''No, but I'll straighten anyone's teeth ''

Soderling, the star college halfback, was

taking a math exam.

The coach desperately needed him to play in
the Syracuse game on
Saturday, so the professor agreed to give him
an oral exam.

''All right,'' said the prof. ''How many degrees are
there in a
circle?''

''Uh, depends,'' said the boy. ''How big
is that there circle?''

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and

was marked absent!

Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!

Yo mama
so short she poses for
trophies!

|A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, ''Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight.'' The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, ''Gimme another one.'' The bartender pours the drink, but says, ''Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?''So, the man begins his tale. ''Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, ''Wow, this has never happened before.'' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true.''He continued, ''She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.''''The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'''''So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me.''The bartender says ''Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.''''Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'''Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!''The bartender says, ''Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure.'' ''No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass.''The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, ''Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.''''No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though.''The bartender then asks in exasperation, ''Well, then, what did finally make you anger?''''Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground.''

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, ''Business trip or vacation?''She turned, smiled, and said, ''Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.''He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ''What's your business role at this convention?''''Lecturer,'' she responded. ''I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality.'' ''Really,'' he said. ''What myths arethose?''''Well,'' she explained. ''One popularmyth is that African American menare the most well endowed, when infact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.'' ''Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.''Suddenly, the woman became a littleuncomfortable and blushed. ''I'm sorry'', she said. ''I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name.''''Tonto,'' the man said. ''Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.''

Q: Why did the Priest go to Walmart?A: He wanted to get boys pants ''half'' off!

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, ''Dude,thank goodness you showed up!'' ''I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch.''The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, ''Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em.'' The friend said, ''Ok''. So the guy left.A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, ''I want a vibrator. What do you have?'' The friend said, ''We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones.'' The lady said, ''I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag.'' He sold it to her. Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, ''I would like a vibrator, what do you have?'' The friend replied, ''Red, black or white, large, medium or small. The woman asked, ''Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?'' The friend said, ''Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want,'' so she bought it. A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, ''Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?'' The friend said, ''Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos.''

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. ''What happened?'' she asks. ''I've never been with a woman,'' he says. ''But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!''

Q: How many
journalists does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired
government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a
diabolical government plot to
deprive the poor of darkness, and one
to win a pulitzer prize for
reporting that Electric Company hired a
lightbulb assassin to break the bulb
in the first place.

How many journalists does it take to change

a light bulb?
''We just report the facts, we don't change
them.''

How many
journalists does it take to
change a light bulb?
''We just report the facts, we don't change
them.'' Three. One to
report it as an inspired government program to
bring light to the people,
one to report it as a diabolical government
plot to deprive the poor of
darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer
prize for reporting that Electric
Company hired a light bulb assassin
to break the bulb in the first
place.

How many computer journalists does it take
to screw in a light
bulb?
Five. One to write a review of all the
existing light bulbs so you can
decide which one to buy, another
one to write a remarkably similar one
in another magazine the next
month, a third to have a big one come out
on glossy paper two months
later that is by then completely out of
date, a fourth to hint in
her column that a completely new and updated bulb
is coming out, and
the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is
shipping with a
virus.

How many editors does it take to change a
light
bulb?
Only one, but first he has to rewire the entire
building.

What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with the light on.

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers. The man says, ''Who is this?'' ''This is the maid,'' answers the woman. ''We don't have a maid,'' says the man. The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'' The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband.'' The man is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'' The maid says, ''What will I have to do?'' The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone ''What do I do with the bodies?'' The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.'' A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''