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Náhodný vtip

Preco v byvalej NDR (Nemecka demokraticka republika) neboli sexshopy? Lebo jazda v Trabante bola lepsia ako vibrator.

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School lunches are not generally popular with

those that have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason.
''What
kind of pie do you call this ?'' asked one schoolboy

indignantly.
''What's it taste of ?'' asked the cook.
''Glue!''
''Then it's
apple pie, the plum pie tastes of soap.''

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How do you
make an apple puff?
Chase it
round the garden

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What do you get if you cross an apple with a

shellfish?
A crab apple !

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0101.sk

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to
eat
the apple.

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Two boys were eating a snack lunch in the school
yard. One
had an apple and the other said, ''Watch out for worms
won't you!'' The
first one replied, ''Why should I? They can watch out
for
themselves.''

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What do you call a bloke with a
bus on his
head?
Dead.

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When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.''Sorry, old man,'' Peter said, ''But I can't let you in. You seethe big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin backin 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game.'' ''Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorryPeter, but I can explain...'', the old golfer blithered. ''Well,'' said Peter, ''You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy.'' So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God'soffice. ''We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain...'' ''So,'' booms God, ''You've been taking my name in vain.'' ''Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!'' ''OK. Try me, '' replied the Lord. ''Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, andI made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I couldjust make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and itwas sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and tookmy ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree...'' ''And that's when you took my name in vain?'' ''Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ballclear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifullytoward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped intoa sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole...'' ''So, that is when you took my name in vain?'' ''No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drovethat ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inchesof the hole...'' ''Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!''

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What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?Having arms and legs.

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Two anthropologists fly
to the
south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent

islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe

over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he
gets
there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group
of
natives.

''Greetings! How is it going?'' says the visiting
anthropologist.

''Wonderful!'' says the other, ''I have discovered
an important fact
about the local language! Watch!''

He points
at a palm tree and says, ''what is that?''
The natives, in unison, say
''Umbalo-gong!''
He then points at a rock and says, ''and that?''
The
natives again intone ''Umbalo-gong!''

''You see!'', says the beaming
anthropologist, ''They use the SAME word
for 'rock' and for 'palm
tree'!''
''That is truly amazing!'' says the astonished visiting
anthropologist,
''On the other island, the same word means 'ind
ex finger'!''

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In Alaska's National Forests, a

tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking
in
grizzly bear territory: ''Most bear encounters occur when hikers,
being
extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife,
accidentally
stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be
catastrophic.'' To
avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells
on their clothing
to warn the bears of their presence. ''Also,'' he
said further, ''be
especially cautious when you see signs of bears in
the area, especially
when you see bear droppings.''

One
tourist asked, ''How do you identify bear droppings?''

''Oh that's
easy,'' the guide explained, ''its the ones with all the
tiny bells in
them!''

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Two tourists were driving through
Louisiana. As
they were approaching Natchitoches, they started
arguing about the
pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth
until they stopped
for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one
tourist asked the employee,
''Before we order, could you please settle
an argument for us? Would
you please pronounce where we are... very
slowly?''
The girl leaned over the counter and said, ''Burrrrrrrr,
gerrrrrrr,
Kiiiiing.''

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|''First and above all he was a logician. At least thirty-five years of the half-century or so of his existence had been devoted exclusively to proving that two and two always equal four, except in unusual cases, where they equal three or five, as the case may be.'' -- Jacques Futrelle, ''The Problem of Cell 13''Most mathematicians are familiar with -- or have at least seen references in the literature to -- the equation 2 + 2 = 4. However, the less well known equation 2 + 2 = 5 also has a rich, complex history behind it. Like any other complex quantitiy, this history has a real part and an imaginary part; we shall deal exclusively with the latter here.Many cultures, in their early mathematical development, discovered the equation 2 + 2 = 5. For example, consider the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly realized that when a 2-knot rope is put together with another 2-knot rope, a 5-knot rope results.Recent findings indicate that the Pythagorean Brotherhood discovered a proof that 2 + 2 = 5, but the proof never got written up. Contrary to what one might expect, the proof's nonappearance was not caused by a cover-up such as the Pythagoreans attempted with the irrationality of the square root of two. Rather, they simply could not pay for the necessary scribe service. They had lost their grant money due to the protests of an oxen-rights activist who objected to the Brotherhood's method of celebrating the discovery of theorems. Thus it was that only the equation 2 + 2 = 4 was used in Euclid's ''Elements,'' and nothing more was heard of 2 + 2 = 5 for several centuries.Around A.D. 1200 Leonardo of Pisa (Fibonacci) discovered that a few weeks after putting 2 male rabbits plus 2 female rabbits in the same cage, he ended up with considerably more than 4 rabbits. Fearing that too strong a challenge to the value 4 given in Euclid would meet with opposition, Leonardo conservatively stated, ''2 + 2 is more like 5 than 4.'' Even this cautious rendition of his data was roundly condemned and earned Leonardo the nickname ''Blockhead.'' By the way, his practice of underestimating the number of rabbits persisted; his celebrated model of rabbit populations had each birth consisting of only two babies, a gross underestimate if ever there was one.Some 400 years later, the thread was picked up once more, this time by the French mathematicians. Descartes announced, ''I think 2 + 2 = 5; therefore it does.'' However, others objected that his argument was somewhat less than totally rigorous. Apparently, Fermat had a more rigorous proof which was to appear as part of a book, but it and other material were cut by the editor so that the book could be printed with wider margins.Between the fact that no definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5 was available and the excitement of the development of calculus, by 1700 mathematicians had again lost interest in the equation. In fact, the only known 18th-century reference to 2 + 2 = 5 is due to the philosopher Bishop Berkeley who, upon discovering it in an old manuscript, wryly commented, ''Well, now I know where all the departed quantities went to -- the right-hand side of this equation.'' That witticism so impressed California intellectuals that they named a university town after him.But in the early to middle 1800's, 2 + 2 began to take on great significance. Riemann developed an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 5, paralleling the Euclidean 2 + 2 = 4 arithmetic. Moreover, during this period Gauss produced an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 3. Naturally, there ensued decades of great confusion as to the actual value of 2 + 2. Because of changing opinions on this topic, Kempe's proof in 1880 of the 4-color theorem was deemed 11 years later to yield, instead, the 5-color theorem. Dedekind entered the debate with an article entitled ''Was ist und was soll 2 + 2?''Frege thought he had settled the question while preparing a condensed version of his ''Begriffsschrift.'' This condensation, entitled ''Die Kleine Begriffsschrift (The Short Schrift),'' contained what he considered to be a definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5. But then Frege received a letter from Bertrand Russell, reminding him that in ''Grundbeefen der Mathematik'' Frege had proved that 2 + 2 = 4. This contradiction so discouraged Frege that he abandoned mathematics altogether and went into university administration.Faced with this profound and bewildering foundational question of the value of 2 + 2, mathematicians followed the reasonable course of action: they just ignored the whole thing. And so everyone reverted to 2 + 2 = 4 with nothing being done with its rival equation during the 20th century. There had been rumors that Bourbaki was planning to devote a volume to 2 + 2 = 5 (the first forty pages taken up by the symbolic expression for the number five), but those rumor remained unconfirmed. Recently, though, there have been reported computer-assisted proofs that 2 + 2 = 5, typically involving computers belonging to utility companies. Perhaps the 21st century will see yet another revival of this historic equation.The above was written by Houston Euler.

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|Analysis:1. Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in the refrig.2. Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant).3. Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem.Number theory:1. First factorize, second multiply.2. Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in.Algebra:1. Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the refrig. Step 2. Show that the refrig. is closed under the addition.2. Take the appropriate universal refrigerator and get a surjection from refrigerator to elephant.Topology:1. Have it swallow the refrig. and turn inside out.2. Make a refrig. with the Klein bottle.3. The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller elephant.4. The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection of refrigerators. That's usually good enough.5. The property of being inside the referigerator is hereditary. So, take the elephant's mother, cremate it, and show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator.6. For those who object to method 3 because it's cruel to animals. Put the elephant's BABY in the refrigerator.Algebraic topology:Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its universal cover, R^3.Linear algebra:1. Put just its basis and span it in the refrig.2. Show that 1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator. By linearity, x% will fit for any x.Affine geometry:There is an affine transformation putting the elephant into the refrigerator.Set theory:1. It's very easy! Refrigerator = { elephant } 2) The elephant and the interior of the refrigerator both have cardinality c.Geometry:Declare the following:Axiom 1. An elephant can be put into a refrigerator.Complex analysis:Put the refrig. at the origin and the elephant outside the unit circle. Then get the image under the inversion.Numerical analysis:1. Put just its trunk and refer the rest to the error term.2. Work it out using the Pentium.Statistics:1. Bright statistician. Put its tail as a sample and say ''Done.''2. Dull statistician. Repeat the experiment pushing the elephant to the refrig.3. Our NEW study shows that you CAN'T put the elephant in the refrigerator.

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|Theorem: 1 + 1 = 2Proof:n(2n - 2) = n(2n - 2)n(2n - 2) - n(2n - 2) = 0(n - n)(2n - 2) = 02n(n - n) - 2(n - n) = 02n - 2 = 02n = 2n + n = 2or setting n = 11 + 1 = 2

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What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to
the
other?
I didn't know we lived on the same block.

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What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his

goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it
is great at chasing submarines.

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What do you
call a clever monster?

Frank Einstein.

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Why did the monster drink ten liters of

antifreeze?
So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.

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Who do zombie cowboys fight?
Deadskins.

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What did the cowboy maggot say when he went
into the
saloon bar?
Gimme a slug of whiskey.

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