Newest jokes

A husband and wife were having dinner at a
very
fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes
over to
their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see
him later
and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, ''Who the
hell was
that?'' ''Oh,'' replies the husband, ''she's my mistress.''
''Well,
that's the last straw,'' says the wife. ''I've had enough, I
want a
divorce.'' ''I can understand that,'' replies her husband, ''but
remember, if
we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips
to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
no more Infinities
and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht
club. But the decision is
yours.'' Just then, a mutual friend enters the
restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm. ''Who's that woman with
Jim? '' asks the wife.
''That's his mistress,'' says her husband.
''Ours is prettier,'' she
replies.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New
York and says, ''I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough.''
''Pop, what are you talking about?'' the son screams.


''We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,'' the old man

says ''We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so

you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,'' and he hangs up.


Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
''Like
hell they're getting divorced,'' she shouts, ''I'll take care of

this.'' She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
''You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?'' and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif
e. ''Okay,''
he says, ''they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do
we tell them
for Christmas?''

Ralph was driving home one evening and

realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a

present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked
the
store manager, ''How much is that new Barbie in the window?''

The Manager replied, ''Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for

$19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for

$19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the
Nightclub
for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00.''

''Why
is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are
$19.95?!?'',
Ralph asked surprised.

The Manager replies, ''Well, Divorced
Barbie comes with Ken's car,
Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog,
Ken's cat and Ken's
furniture.''

|An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!'

|Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, ''Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again''

|An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, ''Oy vey! What a wreck!'' The priest asks him, ''Are you all right, Rabbi?'' The Rabbi responds, ''Just a little shaken.'' The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, ''Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.'' The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, ''Well, what are we going to tell the police?'' ''Well,'' the priest says, ''I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'.''

A man and a couple of
his friends had
just finished a round of golf at the country club and
they were
changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The
man picked
it up and answered it.
''Hi honey,'' said the woman on the other end.


''Hi honey,'' replied the man.

''I was just calling to
tell you about this fur coat I found today.
It's beautiful fox fur
and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on
sale too, a real
bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get
it?''

The
man thought about it for a sec and said, ''You're sure it's a
good
deal?''

''Oh yes,'' replied the woman.

''Okay then, I guess
you can get it,'' replied the man.

The woman continued,''Oh, and
you know how we've been thinking about
getting rid of the Lexus
and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the
dealership today and
the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower
the price from
$50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?''

The man
thought a little harder and said,''If you're sure it's a good
deal, then
yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar.''

The woman continued again.
''Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that
house we saw last month
that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and
think about? Well,
it's on the market again, so I checked the price.
It's down to
$450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in
the
checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get
it?''


The man got a frown on his face and said,''See if you can get them
down
to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it.''


The woman was extremely excited. ''Okay honey, thank you so
much! I'll
see you when I get home! Bye!''

''Bye,'' said the man.
He hung up the phone and looked at the other men
in the locker room
and said, ''Does anyone know whose phone this
is?''

What does an elephant keep up its trunk?A Yard 'n' half o' snot!

I've never understood why women love cats.Cats are independent, they don't listen,they don't come in when you call, they liketo stay out all night, come home and expectto be fed and stroked, then want to be leftalone and sleep. In other words, every qualitythat women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

What do you call a dog with two balls and no hind legs?Sparky

What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?The wrong answer.

Two gay men were in bed fooling around when all of asudden the door bell rings. The first gay man tellsthe second, ''Don't cum until I come back'', and herushes off to answer the door.After a few minutes, he eagerly returns to the bedroomonly to find cum was all over the bed and sheets. Hesays to the second gay man, ''I thought you wasn't goingto cum until I came back. The second gay man says to thefirst, ''I didn't cum, ........I farted!Sent by Ken ''C''

How do you tell if you are in a gay church? Only half the congregation is kneeling.

Why do polo bears like bald men ?

Because they have a great, white, bear place !

How do you start a teddy bear race ?

Ready, teddy, go !

What do you get if you cross an eagle with a
skunk?
A bird that stinks to high heaven.

How do you make a tame duck wild?
Annoy
it.

Why were the hens lying on their backs
with
their legs in the air ?
Because eggs were going up !

An 80-year-old man is having his annual
checkup.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. ''I've never been
better!'' he
replies. ''I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and
having my
child! What
do you think about that?''

The doctor
considers this for a moment, then says, ''Well, let me tell
you a
story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his

umbrella instead of his gun.''

''So he's in the woods,'' the
doctor continues, ''and suddenly a
grizzly bear appears in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it
at the bear, and squeezes the
handle. The bear drops dead in front of
him, suffering from a
bullet wound in his its chest.''

''That's impossible! Someone else
must have shot that bear,'' the man
said.

''Exactly.''

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Mafia Victim Barbie
...feet set in cement--she really sinks!