HoUM
0101.sk

Náhodný vtip

"Cukcovia su maly narod mongoloidnej rasy, obyvajuci okolie poloostrova Cukotka, ktory je tak daleko na vychode, ze je az na zapade..."

viac vtipov viac vtipov

Newest jokes

search Search for your joke
Jokes found: 8543

How did the soggy
Easter Bunny dry himself?

With a hare dryer!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Why was the monster sitting in his Easter

basket?
He was trying to hatch his peanut butter eggs!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

''Why are you studying your Easter

candy?''
''I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the

chocolate egg!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

0101.sk

Why do pigs run into trees?
To shake out the
alligators.
I've never seen an alligator In a tree.
That's
because the pigs do such a good job.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Why do pigs love Halloween?
There's lots of
hogsgobblin.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Why do pigs like February 14th?
They get lots
of Valenswines.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Why didn't the pigs eat the rotten eggs in their

feed trough?
They were saving the best for last.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in
awe as a lion let
loose with a spine-tingling roar.

''Let's
get out of here!'' said Sauer.

''Go on, if'n you want to,'' said
the other redneck. ''But Ah'm
stayin' for the whole movie!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

An enterprising mayor of the city of
Granby,
Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo

that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise

to many unusual events.
Last September one of the star
attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape,
escaped to the dismay of the zoo
director. The matter was a serious one
because the members of the
staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for
animals, had no
experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing
them.

The zoo
director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the

secretary to the mayor asked, ''Have you looked in the yellow pages''?
The
director said he hadn't, but would, immediately.

To his
surprise, under ''animal capturing service'' he found a listing
for the
Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.

Within 20
minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo
and
a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at

the door.

''Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?'', the
little man asked. The
director said there was, within one half mile from
the zoo. ''Hop in
the truck'', the little man said. The director did
and they drove off.

Minutes later they arrived at a small grove
and immediately spotted
Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the
ground.

The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and
the little man
opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out
and began running
around in circles.

The little man reached
into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he
opened. In the
suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to
the zoo director,
a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk
of the tree,
and a baseball bat.

''Now,'' the little man said, ''I'm going up
into the tree with the
baseball bat, and I'm going to knoc
k the ape out of the tree. The
instant the ape hits the ground the
dog, well trained, will bite the ape by
the crotch and chomp-down
with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and
instinctively, grab at
his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you
snap the
handcuffs on and we've got him.

The zoo director, pointing to the
shotgun leaning against the tree,
said ''I'm not too sure about this --
what's the gun for?''

The little man said, ''Look, I'm an
expert. I know what I'm doing and
things will go just fine, after all,
I have the baseball bat. I know my
job and it'll never happen but
if the ape should, by any chance, knock
ME out of the tree, SHOOT
THE DOG!!!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a

holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla
cage
at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful
young
nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then
he went back
into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed
thumping on his massive
chest. The nouns met again a week later and one
of the nouns asked her
friend,''I have one question.Did he sent
flowers
afterwards...?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Caller: Finally! I got through! I've been trying
to call the zoo for
hours!
Zookeeper: Yes, all our lions were
busy!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A Scotsman paying his first
visit to a zoo
stopped by one of the cages
''An' whut animal would that be ?'' he asked
the keeper.
''Thats a moose from Canada'', came the reply.
''A moose
!!'', exclaimed the Scotsman. ''Hoots, mon, if that's a
moose then
they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?They might be cheetahs! Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder playerFan: Why's that?Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him! Why do artists never when they play football?They keep drawing! Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?So that they can pack the defence! Where do old bowling balls end up?In the gutter! Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?Player: I finished it in three days! What part of a football pitch smells nicest?The scenter spot!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)Tonya Harding Presents... Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you? Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the......Tonya Harding Center For Opponent NeutralizationThat's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.Check out our price list:Blow to the knee............................. $99.95Blow to both knees (a better buy)............ $149.95Blow to the head............................. $124.95Knife in the back (tennis players only)...... $49.95Kick in the groin (male athletes only)....... $9.95Poking out one eye........................... $49.95Poking out both eyes (three stooges style)... $79.95Gun shot to the knee......................... $199.95Gun shot to both knees....................... $299.95Gun shot to the head......................... $499.95Impalement in a public place................. $999.95Prices subject to change without notice.Remember, wednesdays are bonus days, order one act of violence and receive another of equal or lesser value at 50% off!With every order over $300.00 you automatically receive a collapsible hard plastic baton personally signed by Tonya Harding herself - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.To order, call toll-free at 1-800-just-win

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|Reasons why a normal Car is a far superior vehicle than a F1 Car''Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG!!!!'' No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft! No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head. No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to. No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while. No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other. No ashtrays and electric lighter... No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain? No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand. No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass? No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time. Only one brake light... Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in? No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first? No trunk... No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well) High fuel consumption... Engines that don't last... Tyres that just wear off in no time flat... Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started. No sun visor... Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes. Talk about accidents waiting to happen.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.''Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?' she asked the instructor.''P-u-t-t is correct,' he replied.''Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Why is brassiere singular and panties

plural?

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Why are there
interstates in
Hawaii?

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles
home.'
Ghost: Why don't you take a train?
Monster: I did once, but
my mother made me give it back.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich LittleJoint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar WildeLosing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.Man and wife make one fool.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

0101.sk

© 2009-2013 Act of Light, All Rights Reserved.