Newest jokes

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmartand asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, ''Do you sell Viagra here?''The pharmacist answers firmly, ''Yes, sir. We certainly do.''The man then asks, ''Do you think I could get it over the counter?''The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, ''Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might.''

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspectit. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Veryembarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticedher little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at thatmoment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.''Good day, how may we help you today?'' Very uncomfortably, she asks,''Sir, how much does this rug cost?''He answers, ''Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit inyour pants when you hear what the price is.''

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see afortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, hewent inside and sat down. ''Ah.....'' said the woman as she gazedinto her crystal ball. ''I see you are the father of two children.''''That's what you think,'' said the man scornfully. ''I'm the fatherof THREE children.'' The woman grinned and said, ''That's what YOUthink.''

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: ''The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?'' One student asked, ''How much for a season pass?''

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has a burlap sack and a little guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano. The guy that walked into the bar asks the man, ''What's in the bag?'' The man pulls out a genie lamp. The guy says, Wow! Can I have one of your wishes?'' The man says, ''I don't know. Rub the lamp and see.'' So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says, ''You may have one wish.''The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says, ''Your wish is granted,'' and goes back into the genie bottle. Just then one million ducks walk into the bar. The guy says, ''I didn't wish for a million ducks.'' The man replies, ''Yeah, and I wished for a twelve inch pianist.''

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary. The teacher said, ''Very good!'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'', but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary. The teacher said, ''Very good!'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. ''Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?''Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.''Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!'' Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.''Yeah,'' says Carrie's father, ''Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!''A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, ''Dad, it's called the twist!''

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road
when they hear the Ex-Lax
commercial end with the statement: ''It
makes you feel young again.''

John looks at Sylvester and says,
''We need to pull over and get a
bottle of that stuff!''


Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of

Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.


About one mile later Sylvester asks, ''Well John, do you feel young

yet?''

''No,'' replies John.

So they pull over and take four
more tablespoons a piece and continue
to drive down the road.


A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, ''John, do you feel
younger?''

''No,'' replies John, ''but I sure did a childish thing!''

What's the difference
between
Frankenstein and boiled potatoes?
You can't mash Frankenstein.

Why did Frankenstein's monster give up

boxing?
Because he didn't want to spoil his looks.

Why are mosquitoes annoying?
Because they
get under your skin.

What did one mosquito say to
another when
they came out of the cinema?
Fancy a bite?

Two mosquitoes were buzzing round when they saw
a
drunken man.
One said to the other, ''You bite him ? I'm
driving.''

A mother moth was telling her baby moth off

saying, ''If you don't eat all your cotton, you won't get any

satin.''

How can you make a moth ball ?
Hit it with
a fly swatter.

Why did the dog jump into the sea?
He wanted to
chase the catfish!

What do you get when you cross a
Doberman with
a bird?
A Doberman fincher!

What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a

dog?
A hen that lays pooched eggs.

What dog rides a horse named Macaroni?
Yankee
poodle!

There is a new Barbie doll on
the
market - Banzai Barbie ...a small tree cut into a shape that vaguely

resembles Barbie