Newest jokes

What do the Pope and the Giants have in common?Both cram 30,000 fans in a stadium and end up saying JESUS CHRIST!!

Why are men like blenders?You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

What is a macho man?After getting a blow job, he asks the woman,'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?'

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?When the power goes off.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

|An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.''My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?''''Yes,'' said the Navy brat.''My dad has built them.''Then the naval kid spoke: ''And do you know the Dead Sea?''''Yes.''''It's my dad who's killed it!''

|The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively: ''Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself.'' ''By shooting?'' reasked the company commander, ''Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible.'' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency: ''This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle.''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Little grandson asked: ''Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?'' ''I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep.''

|The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully: ''Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men.''''What is it?'' the officer got interested.''Two hundred soldiers.''

|Little Willie asked his mother: ''Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?''''Of course they do!'' protested his mother. ''What makes you ask?''''There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards.''''Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave.''

|Two dogfaces were digging a foxhole. ''What made you join the Army?'' asked one. ''Well, I read one of the posters that said: Join the Army and see the world! And I been doin' it - a shovelful at a time.''

What lives in apples and is an
avid reader?

A bookworm !

First apple: You look down in the dumps. What's
eating
you?
Second apple: Worms, I think.

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once

a woman began screaming. ''You've got to help me! There's a giant

gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with
its
tail!'' ''What's he doing with the apples?'' the sergeant asked.
''If I
told you,'' the woman cried, ''you wouldn't believe me!''

Arvil was coming out of the Texas University
student building when he
was stopped by two coeds.

''Would
you like to become a Jehovah's Witness?'' asked one of the
girls.


''No, I really couldn't. I didn't see the accident.''

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, ''I see she caught you at it, too.''

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. ''You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.'' Susie, still crying, said ''What would God want with a dead dog?''

Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who

sat on a bee?
It's a tender tail!

What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his

head in the fan?
It took ears off his life!

What would you get if you crossed the

Easter Bunny with a leprechaun?
The Easter Blarney!