Newest jokes

|Are You Ready for Children?Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.) Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. 2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret, girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad orangry, we meant the other way.4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. 5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? 6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. 10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying ''This is our exit'' is not necessary.12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

An 82 year old man marries an 18 year old woman, she becomes pregnant. The 82 year old man goes to the Dr. to see what the DR had to say about the wife being pregnant. The DR. said let me tell you a story about this 82 year old man I know, This man went hunting every hunting season his whole life, never missed an event. One year he got ready to go hunting and grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun. He got to the beaver pond and saw a bever pulled up the umbrella and said pow pow and the beaver fell over dead. The Dr. asked the 82 year old patient what he thought happened to the beaver and the patient said I think someone else shot the beaver.

This man says to his friend,'' I stopped

driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold

the wheel.''

There were two nuns...One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.SM: It's not working.SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM: And?SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, ''It's dark in here, isn't it?''''Yes it is,'' the man replies.''You wanna buy a baseball?'' the little boy asks.''No thanks,'' the man replies.''I think you do want to buy a baseball,'' the little extortionist continues.''OK. How much?'' the man replies after considering the position he was in.''Twenty-five dollars,'' the little boy replies.''TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!'' the man repeats. ''That's awful expensive'', but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.''It's dark in here, isn't it?'' the boy starts off.''Yes it is,'' replies the man.''Wanna buy a baseball glove?'' the little boy asks.''OK. How much?'' the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.''Fifty dollars,'' the boy replies and the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boy's father says, ''Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.''''I can't. I sold them,'' replies the little boy.''How much did you get for them?'' asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.''Seventy-five dollars,'' the little boy says.''SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,''the father explains as he hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says ''It's dark in here, isn't it?''''Don't you start that crap in here,'' the priest says.

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, ''I'm fantastic in bed.'' That's Direct Marketing.You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, ''He's fantastic in bed.'' That's Advertising.You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, ''Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.'' That's Telemarketing.You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, ''By the way, I'm fantastic in bed.'' That's Public Relations.You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed.'' That's Brand Recognition.

It has been studied and determined that the most often usedSexual position for married couples is the doggie position.The husband sits up and begs...And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

|A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command (''Jump!'').In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: ''Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly.''So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: ''Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly.''Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: ''Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly.''Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: ''Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing''

|A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. ''Look at their reserve, their calm,'' muses the Brit. ''They must be British.'' ''Nonsense,'' the Frenchman disagrees. ''They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.'' ''No clothes, no shelter,'' the Russian points out, ''they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.''

|Amazing AnagramsDormitory == Dirty Room Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em Animosity == Is No Amity Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness == Genuine Class Semolina == Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one Contradiction == Accord not in it This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Becomes: In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. And the grand finale: ''That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.'' -- Neil A. Armstrong becomes: A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher
pig?
Because he was an old boar.

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a
costume when she
tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee

cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

|Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, ''Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.'' The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, ''It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?''At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, ''I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!''

|A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively ''You've got great hair!'' The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say ''You're a handsome man!'' The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.When he went back to his beer, the voice said again ''What a stud you are!'' The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.The bartender said ''Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary.''

|A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. ''They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,'' he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. ''Never mind,'' he said with a hiccup, ''I got in the back seat by mistake.''

|10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.6. You can focus better with one eye closed.5. You fall off the floor.5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.3. Roseanne looks good.2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?Never mind it's pointless.

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel,and were standing in the lobby discussing their recenttournament victories. After about an hour,the managercame out of the office and asked them to disperse.''But why?'', they asked, as they moved off.''Because,'' he said, ''I can't stand chess nuts boastingin an open foyer.''