Newest jokes

Why did the bald man put a rabbit
on
his head?
Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).

How can you avoid falling hair?
Get
out of the way.

Why was the lady's hair
angry?
Because she was always teasing it.

Professor: I forgot to take
my umbrella
this morning.

Wife: When did you first miss it, dear?


Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had

stopped.

''Where are my shoes?'' asked the Iowa State
professor as the class ended.

''They're on your feet,'' said one of
the students.

''So they are,'' said the professor. ''It's a good
thing you saw them,
or I would have gone home without them!''

What is the second stupidest thing in the
world?

An Arkansas architectural student out in the middle of the
ocean trying
to build a foundation for a house.

What is the
stupidest thing in the world?

An Arkansas contractor trying to
build a house on the
foundation.

Why didn't the Blonic Pig get a TV series of his

own?
He made the mistake of going to a barbecue with the Bionic
Man and the
Blonic Woman.

Why did the spotted pigs run away?
They
thought the traveling salesman told the farmer to put his name on
the
dotted swine.

Why did the pigs paint their hoofs green?
It
was Saint Patrick's Day.

Why did the piglets get in trouble in their

stained glass class?
They stained it with mud.

Young
lady to father ''Daddy, when I grow
up shall I become a heart-doctor or
a tooth-doctor ''
''Dentist''
''Why father ?'' ''We have only one heart, but 32
teeth!''

Patient:
Doctor, I am very nervous. You
know, this is my first extraction.
Young dentist: Don't worry, it's
my first extraction too.

Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever

loved.
Assistant: Why don't you marry her?
Dentist: I can't
afford to. She's my best patient.

''I came in to make an appointment with the
dentist.'' said
the man to the receptionist.'' ''I'm sorry sir.'' she
replied. ''He's
out right now, but...'' ''Thank you.'' interrupted the
obviously
nervous prospective patient. ''When will he be out again
?''

What are ants called when they run away very
fast to get
married?
Ant-elopers.

Where do you take a sick wasp?
To
waspital.

What do you call an ant with
frog's legs?

An antphibian.

|A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries ''Man! How many bars do you work at?''

|A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says ''Do you know your monkey stole my beer.'' The pianist replies ''No, but if you hum it, I'll play it.''

|Mom's Brownies RecipeRemove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr ''no, no.'' Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. Frosting Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven