Newest jokes

What color is a chameleon on a
mirror?

Why did the blonde return her new scarf?It was too tight.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work onscaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ''Corned beef and cabbage! IfI get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jumpoff this building.''The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I getburritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.''The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bolognasandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.''The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef andcabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw aburrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bolognaand jumped to his death as well.At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, ''If I'd knownhow really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would havegiven it to him again!'' The Mexican's wife also wept and said, ''I couldhave given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos somuch.''Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,''Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.''

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what herdad had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait fora snow plow and follow it.''Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. Shefollowed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver ofthe truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained thather dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow aplow.The driver nodded and said, ''Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parkinglot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.''

Two TouristsTwo tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. ''Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.''

''Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs,'' said Fred
looking out of the kitchen
window.
''I know,'' said his
mother.
''I've just stepped in a poodle!''

Fred: I'm sure I'm right.
Betty: You're
as right as rain - all wet!

There was a communist
named Rudolph. One
day he looked out the window and said, ''It looks like a
storm is
coming.'' ''No it isn't,'' said his wife. ''Besides, how
would you know?''
''Because,'' he responded, ''Rudolph the Red knows rain,
dear.''

Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach
in the pouring
rain. One looks skywards and says, ''So this is
England. What's it
like?'' The other snarls, ''Well, if you like the
weather, you'll love
the food.''

A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women's husband's funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. ''Well, he had $10,000 in life insurance, but it is all gone.'' ''All gone?'', the friend asks, shocked. ''Yes'', said the widow.''I don't understand'', says the friend. ''How did you already go through $10,000?''''Well, it is really not as bad as you think.'' says the widow.''I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone.''Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says ''That must have been a huge stone for $3000!''The widow answers: ''Yeah, it was 3 carats!''

What do you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment? Potpourri

Mum: Why does your little brother

jump up and down before taking his medicine?
Boy: Because he read
the label, and it said 'shake well before
using.'

My brother's one
of the
biggest stickup men in town.
Gosh is he really?
Yes, he's a
six-foot-six billposter.

Little Brother: I'm going to

buy a sea horse.
Big Brother: Why?
Little Brother: Because I want
to play water polo!

My mother is a typical Jewish mother.Once she was on jury duty. . .They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266418. A short time later, someone knocks, and when he opens the door he sees2 beautiful and sexy girls who asked him: Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: ''I don't like Chinese.'' The First Officer replies: ''Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?'' ''Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese.'' ''Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.'' ''Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike.'' Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: ''No like Jew.'' ''Why not? Why don't you like Jews?'' ''Jews sink Titanic.'' ''The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.'' ''Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same.''Sent by Renata

Mullah Nasrudin, wisest man in Islam, entered England of a visit.''Do you have anything to declare?'' asked the customs inspector.''No -- sssssst, bzzz - nothing at all.''''How long do you plan to stay?''''Oh, about -- ssssssssszzzzt, bzzz -- about three weeks.''''By the way, where did you learn English?''''From the -- bzzz, bzzz, sszzzzzzzzbzzz -- radio.''

Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in

Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest

sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment !