Newest jokes

|When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. ''And the Americans, they are so friendly!'' he concluded. ''Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'''

|An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.He then asked, ''Who push port-a-potty over cliff?''Nobody answered him.He then asked again, ''Who push port-a-potty over cliff?''Again nobody answered.The old Indian said, ''I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish.'' So the Indian asked again,''Who push port-a-potty over cliff?''To which the littlest Indian replied, ''I push port-a-potty over cliff.''The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, ''Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?''The old Indian replied, ''Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!''

|We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the ''Star Spangled Banner''. We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich. We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

|The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. ''When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. ''When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.'' ''That's nothing'', an American replied. ''We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'''

Can you spell soft and slow with two
letters?
EZ.

Can you spell very happy with three
letters?
XTC (ecstasy).

How can you spell chilly with two
letters?
IC (icy) .

How do you spell ''we'' with two letters

without using the letters W and E?
U and I.

What's
the difference between a Northern zoo
and a Southern zoo?
In a Northern zoo you have the name of the
animal and the Latin name
underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the
name of the animal and a
recipe underneath.

Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered
his
parents, Al and
Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked
Jordan's reluctant
father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got
into the car and
left.

''So how was it?'' Elaine asked when
they returned home.

''Great,'' Little Jordan replied.

''Did you
and your father have a good time?'' asked Elaine.

''Yeah, Daddy
especially liked it,'' exclaimed Jordan, excitedly,
''especially when
one of the animals came racing home at 30 to
1!''

For all animal lovers out there:How do you make a cat go 'woof'? Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire. and...How do you make a dog go 'miaow'? Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...

What has two legs, spots, and bleeds? Half a cheetah.

A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bullshave fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for oldtimes' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one ofthe old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,''Why are you doing that?''The old bull answers, ''I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows!''

Two goldfish are in a tank.One said to the other:'Do you know how to drive this thing?'Sent by Claire

A Duck walks into a bar. Duck: You got any bread?Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread[After a few minutes]Duck: You got any bread?Barman: Look, we don't have any bread[In a little while]Duck: You got any bread?Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread![Some time later]Duck: Got any bread?Barman: If you ask me if I've got any F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar..................Duck: You got any nails?Barman: NO!Duck: You got any bread? Sent by Duncan

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine?Don King.

Why are
you eating a banana with the skin
on?
Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.

What is yellow on the inside and green on the

outside ?
A banana dressed up as a cucumber !

What word grows smaller when you add two

letters to it?
Add ''er'' to short and it becomes shorter.

A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked down the street arm in arm in arm in arm...