Newest jokes

What is a banged-up used
car?
A
car in first-crash condition.

What did the big carburettor say to the

little carburettor?
''Don't inhale so fast or you'll choke.''

What would you have if your car's

motor was in flames?
A fire engine.

What happens if an
axe falls on your
car?
You have an ax-i-dent (accident).

What is the difference between a

locomotive engineer and a teacher?
One minds the train, the other
trains the mind.

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to
tie a
steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama
so ugly when she walks down the
street in September, people say ''Wow,
is it Halloween already?''

Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the

street in September, people say ''Wow, is it Halloween already?''

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.

Yo
mama so ugly when they took her to the
beautician it took 12 hours. .
.for a quote!

Q: What did a blind boy's parent's
do to
punish him? A: Rearranged the furniture

Q. How did a blind girl burn her
fingers?

A. Reading the waffle iron

Q: How did a blind man get poke marks on
his
face?

A: Learning to eat with a fork.

Bob calls in to his job:''Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work.''The boss says:''You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.''2 hours later Bob calls:''Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.''

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.''Sister,'' he asked, ''I wonder if you could tell me about this?'' (pointing to the crystal bowl)''Oh, yes,'' she replied, ''Isn't it wonderful?''''I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!''

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, ''I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.'' The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, ''I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married.'' ''Why not?'' giggles the woman. ''Good,'' he replies. ''Get your own blanket.''

What would you get if you crossed a

snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite !

Who is in cowboy films and is always broke?

Skint Eastwood.

What do you call a frog who wants to be a
cowboy?
Hoppalong Cassidy.

What should you do if you are on a picnic
with
King Kong?
Give him the biggest bananas.