Newest jokes

|Theorem: All numbers are equal.Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Thena + b = t(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)a^2 - b^2 = ta - tba^2 - ta = b^2 - tba^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2a - t/2 = b - t/2a = bSo all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.

|Theorem: 1 = -1Proof:1 = sqrt(1) = sqrt(-1 * -1) = sqrt(-1) * sqrt(-1) = 1^ = -1Also one can disprove the axiom that things equal to the same thing are equal to each other.1 = sqrt(1)-1 = sqrt(1)Therefore 1 = -1As an alternative method for solving:Theorem: 1 = -1Proof:x=1x^2=xx^2-1=x-1(x+1)(x-1)=(x-1)(x+1)=(x-1)/(x-1)x+1=1x=00=1=> 0/0=1/1=1

Dad: Don't be
selfish. Let
your brother use the sled half the time.
Son: I do, Dad. I use it going
down the hill and he gets to use it
coming up!

Big Brother: That planet
over
there is Mars.
Little Brother: Then that other one must be Pa's.

My brother's just opened a
shop.
Really? How's he doing?
Six months. He opened it with a
crowbar.

Peter: My brother wants
to work
badly!
Anita: As I remember, he usually does !

Don't look out of the
window, Betty,
people will think it's Halloween.

What's worse than a
Male Chauvinist Pig?


- A woman that won't do what she's told.

If your dog is
barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door, who
do you let in first?


- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

How do you
fix a woman's watch?

- It
doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.''I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest'', said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry. ''I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest'', said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry. ''I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground'', said the youngest daughter.

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.After a while the conversation started turning a littlerude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder andthey were arguing about how wide their snatches were.(This happens all the time.) The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg,grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting andhollering, throwing money. Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted herleg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic. Finally the third women very casually got up on the barand asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and thejukebox starts playing.

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,''I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!''''Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes youlook less attractive.''''I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?''''Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripesmakes you look larger than you really are.''''I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a warton his dick!''''Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!''

Answering Machine Recording:''You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now.......Now press the other one.''

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in alight bulb?A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change alight bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYSbefore they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out theywouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact thatthey've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the pastSEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair thatthey dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change theSTUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! ANDUNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPERTHE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUTTHE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALLSUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THEHOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Harry was madly in love with Betty, but
couldn't pluck up enough
courage to pop the question face to face.
Finally he decided to ask her on
the telephone. 'Darling!' he
blurted out, 'will you marry me?'
'Of course, I will, you silly boy,'
she replied, 'who is it
speaking?'

How does a skeleton call her friends?
On
a telebone.

What asks no question but demands an
answer?
A doorbell or a ringing telephone.

What did the man say when he got a
big
phone bill?
''Who said talk is cheap?''

Why is an engaged girl like a
telephone?
Because they both have rings.