Newest jokes

Why did the
nutty kid throw a glass of
water out of the window?
He wanted to see a waterfall.

Teacher: ''Why do we have a
Thanksgiving
holiday?''
Student: ''So we know when to start Christmas shopping!''

Grandma: You've left all your
crusts,
Mary. When I was your age I ate every one.
Mary: Do you still like
crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.
Mary: Well, you can have
mine.

Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a

light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

Teacher: Tommy Russell, you're late again.

Tommy: Sorry, sir. It's my bus - it's always coming late.
Teacher:
Well, if it's late again tomorrow, catch an earlier
one.

How can you kill an idiot with half a dollar?

Throw it under a bus.

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a wellbehaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager ofthe club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Directorsaid: ''If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you letthem in?'' The General Director agreed.The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Directorshouted: ''Stand up, nuts!'' Everyone stood up. ''Sit down, nuts!''Everyone sat down. ''Look behind you, nuts!'' Everyone turned around.Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the thirdinning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were runninghelter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone hadcalled out: ''Peanuts!''

Customer: Why is my hairline

receding?
Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.

Customer: Why doesn't my
hairline
look good?
Barber: It's on the same old head.

Customer: Why did
you take off so
much hair?
Barber: I didn't, nature beat me to it.

Customer: Couldn't you see I was going

bald?
Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four
elephants walking over the
hill towards him wearing
sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

|A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.''Whoa, Sam!'' said the bartender. ''Who gave those beauties to you?''''Nobody gave them to me,'' said Sam. ''I had to fight like crazy for both of them.''

|One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: ''Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.'' So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: ''That will be $36.50 please.'' The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. ''What, no drink for me?'' replies the bartender. ''Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.''

|A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, ''You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman.''

|A brain walks into a bar and says, ''I'll have a pint of beer please.''The barman looks at him and says ''Sorry, I can't serve you.''''Why not?'' askes the brain.''You're already out of your head.''

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, ''Would you like me to be your friend?'' The boy hesitated, then said, ''Okay'', looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked ''Why are you standing here all alone? Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over there?'' ''Because,'' the little boy said with great exasperation, ''I'm the bloody goalie.''Sent by Gerald

She was so blond, she thought Boys II Men was a daycare center.

|Theorem: 4 = 5Proof:-20 = -2016 - 36 = 25 - 454^2 - 9*4 = 5^2 - 9*54^2 - 9*4 + 81/4 = 5^2 - 9*5 + 81/4(4 - 9/2)^2 = (5 - 9/2)^24 - 9/2 = 5 - 9/24 = 5