Newest jokes

What's the difference between a tiger

and a lion ?
A tiger has the mane part missing !

|Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. ''Bad day at the course?'' his wife asked. ''Everything was going fine,'' he said. ''Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.'' ''Oh, that's awful!'' ''You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.''

|A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, ''It's not a ship.'' The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, ''It's not a boat.'' The speck gets even closer and he thinks, ''It's not a raft.'' Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, ''How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?''''Ten years!'', he says.She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, ''Man, oh man! Is that good!'' Then she asked, ''How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?'' He replies, ''Ten years!'' She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, ''Wow, that's fantastic!'' Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, ''And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?'' And the man replies, ''Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!''

|LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant ''You looked up,'' or invoke the wrath of the universe.LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.LAW 14: Golf balls from the same ''sleeve'' tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.LAW 16: ''Nice lag'' can usually be translated to ''lousy putt.'' Similarly, ''tough break'' can usually be translated ''way to miss an easy one, sucker.''LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, ''So that's how you guys load those things!''

Theres an old man laying on the beach nakedand a little girl was pasing buy she stops and stairs at the man and asked mister what is that.the man says what the little girl says that between your legs the man says oh that well the thing that is standing is the bird the two things on the side are the eggs and the thing aroundit is the nest ok the old man asked her to leave so he can get some sun he falls asleep when he wakes up there are peramedics around himhe asked what happen the peramedic said ask the little girl the old man calls her over what happen the little girl said when you wentto sleep I tryed to make the bird fly I pulled and pulled but he got big and spit at me so I kicked the bird smashed the eggs and burnd the nest.

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up withred,green,& yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, ''Hey, old man, what are you lookin'at,eh? Didn't you doanything strange when you were a teenager?'' ''Well, yeah,'' the old man answered. ''Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son.

If you cross a telephone and a lobster

what will you get?
Snappy talk.

If you cross a telephone and a pair of

scissors, what do you get?
Snippy answers.

Why do actors like snooker
halls?
Because that's where they get their best cues.

Fred: I met a really
conceited actor
the other day.
Harry: Why do you say he's conceited?
Fred: Well,
every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he
went to the
window and took a bow.

|Why are blond jokes so short?So men can remember them!

|What do men and beer bottles have in common?They are both empty from the neck up!

|A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, ''If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!'' The wife replied, ''My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here.''

How do you know when a
woman is about to say
something smart?

- She starts her sentence with ''A man once
told me...''

Why do women have smaller feet than men?


- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

|Theorem: log(-1) = 0Proof:a. log[(-1)^2] = 2 * log(-1)On the other hand:b. log[(-1)^2] = log(1) = 0Combining a) and b) gives:2* log(-1) = 0Divide both sides by 2:log(-1) = 0

Where do you put letters to boys?
In a mail
(male) box.

When is a letter damp?
When it has postage
due (dew).

What girl's name is like a letter?
Kay
(K).