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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hoursto spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he wasabout to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked ifhe could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not beingable to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, ''You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.''With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originallylay. The old man offered one more comment, ''Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.''

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A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, ''I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really curious... What does Hell look like?'' So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, ''I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me.'' And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, ''Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator.'' The man said ''Thank you'' and then climbed into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest floor. After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven. After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said, ''I'm ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one more question.'' ''Go ahead'', replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked, ''I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?'' Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, ''Snow and ice, huh. I guess the Denver Broncos finally won the Super Bowl !!''

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A Blind Mans Sport A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: ''I am placed in the door and told when to jump'' ''My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go'' ''But how do you know when you are going to land?'' he was asked. ''I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground'' he answered. ''But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?'' he was again asked. He quickly answered ''Oh, the dog's leash goes slack''.

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0101.sk

|Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain ''up yours'' attitude ... I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY. 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? 5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

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|There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.He said, ''The first one was a girl.''The mother: ''What did you name her?!?''Brother: ''Denise!''The Mom: ''Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?''Brother: ''The second one was a boy.''The Mom: ''Oh, and what did you name him?''Brother: ''Denephew.''

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|A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.''Hit him again,'' the 5-year-old said. ''He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!''

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Can you spell jealousy with two
letters?
NV (envy).

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Did you hear about the ghost who went on safari?

He was a big-game haunter!

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What European capital has the most ghosts?

Boodapest!

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This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:----------------------------------------------------------------Rebecca and Gary English 44ASMUCreative WritingProf Miller In-class Assignment for WednesdayToday we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the personsitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then writethe first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read thefirst paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. Thefirst person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back andforth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in orderto keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree aconclusion has been reached.----------------------------------------------------------------At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. Thecamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and ifshe thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.So camomile was out of the question.Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attacksquadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things tothink about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo namedLaurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.''A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,'' he said into his transgalacticcommunicator. ''Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance sofar...'' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashedout of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. Thejolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and acrossthe cockpit.He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before hefelt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the onewoman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earthstopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers ofSkylon 4. ''Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and SpaceTravel.'' Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The newssimultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly andcarefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract herfrom her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things aroundher. ''Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?'' shepondered wistfully.Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launchedthe first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpypeaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treatythrough Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostilealien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Withintwo hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships wereon course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize theentire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated theirdiabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphereunimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarineheadquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt theinconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on theconference table. ''We can't allow this! I'm going to veto thattreaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!''This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. Mywriting partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attemptsat writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.You total $*&.Stupid %?$!.

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Special High Intensity TeachingMemo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivityFrom students, it will be our policy to keep all students welltaught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilledat seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a jobteaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDINGLECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).For students who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIALOPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This courseemphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OFTEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).Thank you,BOSS IN GENERALSPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

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Rabbit's Ph.D. Thesis: A Parable for Graduate StudentsScene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outsidehis burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.Along comes a fox, out for a walk.Fox: ''What are you working on?''Rabbit: ''My thesis.''Fox: ''Hmmm. What's it about?''Rabbit: ''Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes.''(incredulous pause)Fox: ''That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes.''Rabbit: ''Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me.''They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, therabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.Wolf: ''What's that you're writing?''Rabbit: ''I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves.''(loud guffaws)Wolf: ''You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?''Rabbit: ''No problem. Do you want to see why?''The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbitreturns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth. (The End) Moral: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

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No $Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you wouldlike, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.Love,Your $on.* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even anhoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NObletask, and you can never study eNOugh.Love,Dad

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|The Evolution of Mom Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Your Clothes - 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes. The Baby's Name - 1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect! Preparing for the Birth - 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette - 1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries - 1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Activities - 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out - 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home - 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

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What did the jack say to the
car?
''Can I give you a lift?''

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What part of a car is the
laziest?
The wheels. They are always tired.

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Why is an old car like a baby
playing?
Because it goes with a rattle.

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What song does a car radio play?
A
cartoon (car, tune).

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|''Psst, c'mere,'' said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.''What are you selling?'' I asked.''Geometrical algebra drugs.''''Huh!?''''Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers...''''Stop right there,'' I interrupted. ''I've never heard of inside-outers.''''Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day.''''Go on...''''OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones,'' he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills.''What are those, then?'' I asked.''Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed.''''Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?''''There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love -- they call it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity.''

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|Theorem: 1$ = 1c.Proof:And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.1$ = 100c= (10c)^2= (0.1$)^2= 0.01$= 1cHere $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD's in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.

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0101.sk

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