Newest jokes

What do you call an aardvark that's just lost
a
fight?
A vark!

What do you call an aardvark that's been
thrown out of a
pub?
A barredvark!

Two guys
are out hunting deer. The first
guy says, ''Did you see that?''

''No,'' the second guy
says.

''Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,'' the first guy says.

''Oh,''
says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy
says, ''Did you see that?''

''See what?'' the second guy
asks.

''Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over

there.''

''Oh.''

A few minutes later the first guy says:
''Did you see that?''

By now, the second guy is getting
aggravated, so he says, ''Yes, I
did!''

And the first guy says: ''Then
why did you step in it?''

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new

bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually
walk
on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure
none of
his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to
try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal
pessimist who
refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would
impress
him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they
waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and
a duck
fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog,

however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the

bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day
long;
each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the
water
to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw
everything, but did not say a
single word.

On the drive
home the hunter asked his friend, ''Did you notice
anything unusual
about my new dog?''

''I sure did,'' responded the pessimist. ''He
can't swim.''

A priest and a taxi driver both died
and went to heaven. St. Peter
was at the Pearly gates waiting for
them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.


The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a
mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an
olympic
size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.


Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk
bed
and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you
are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one
who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went
to church every
day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But
during your sermons people slept. When the
taxi driver drove, everyone
prayed.'

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate
when a man walks
up.

''Welcome to heaven my son. What did you
do with your life?''

''I was a policeman,'' he
responded.

''What kind of policeman?'' St Peter asked.

''I was a vice officer. I
kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of

kids.''

''Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.''

A few
moments later a second man walks up.

''Welcome to heaven my son.
What did you do with your life?''

''I was a policeman,'' he
responded.

''What kind of policeman?'' St Peter asked.

''I was a
traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for

travelers.''

''Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.''

A few
moments later a third man walks up.

''Welcome to heaven my son. What
did you do with your life?''

''I was a policeman,'' he
responded.

''What kind of policeman?'' St Peter asked.

''I was a
Military Policeman, Sir.''

''Excellent my son, I have to leave
for a bit, watch the gate will
you?''

This 85 year old couple, having been
married almost 60
years, had died in a car crash. They had been in
good health the last ten
years mainly due to her interest in health
food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St.
Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite
and Jacuzzi. As they ''oohed and
aahed'' the old man asked Peter how
much all this was going to cost.


''It's free,'' Peter replied, ''this is Heaven.''

Next they
went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each

week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf

courses on earth.

The old man asked, ''what are the green fees?''.


Peter's reply, ''This is heaven, you play for free.''

Next
they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
r
the cuisine's of the world laid out.

''How much to eat?''
asked the old man.

''Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it
is free!'' Peter
replied with some exasperation.

''Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?'' the old man
asked
timidly.

Peter lectured, ''That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick.
This is Heaven.''

With that the old man went
into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and
shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and
said, ''This is all your fault. If
it weren't for your blasted bran
muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!''

So this trumpet player dies. When he
reaches is
everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, ''You're
going to spend eternity
with this combo, okay? There's a bass player
named 'Mingus' and a
pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we
expect this 'Blakey' guy to
show up with his drums.

''Wow!''
the guy says, ''I never imagined heaven would be this good.''

The
man in the robe says, ''This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl

singer.''

Three men die and go to heaven and

queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, what's your
name?

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you
died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter:
Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of

money?

Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: That's great. Come on
in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi, what's your
name?

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me,
when you died, how much were you
earning?

Roger:
60K.

St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a

living?

Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: That's
very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi,
what's your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi,
John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you
died
?

John: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that's
fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did
you play?

What do you call a girl with a frog in her

hair ?
Lily !

How did the toad die ?
He simply croaked !

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak ?

Morse toad !

Whats the world weakest animal ?
A toad, he
croaks if you even touch him !

Whats white on the outside, green on the inside

and comes with relish and onions ?
A hot frog !

Did you
hear about the sister who wrote
herself a letter and forgot to sign it
and when it arrived she didn't
know who it was from.

Q:
Why did the witch's mail rattle? A: It
was a chain letter.

Braxton and Hollis had jobs at a California
cotton mill. One
morning the foreman came along and found Braxton
reading a letter to his
coworker.

''Hey,'' cried the foreman,
''what kind a horseplay you two guys up
to?''

''Hollis got a
letter from his girlfriend,'' explained Braxton, ''but
he can't read; so
Ah'm readin' the letter for him.''

''How come you got the
cotton in your ears?''

''Hollis don't want me to hear what his
girlfriend writ to him!''

How did the telephones get married ?
In a
double ring ceremony !

|The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. -- Groucho MarxThe marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. --Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. ColeridgeThe only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. -- James Holt McGavranTo keep your marriage brimmingWith love in the marriage cup,Whenever you're wrong, admit it,Whenever you're right, shut up. -- Nash

|The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.