Newest jokes

Teacher: ''Who built the first American
car?''
Student: ''Me Pilgrims.''
Teacher: ''The Pilgrims?''

Student: ''Yeah, they made the Mayflower Compact.''

What do you call a pig who's been
arrested for dangerous driving
?
A road hog !

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, ''I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!'' ''Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.'' ''I also heard thatyou've been calling me fat?!?'' ''Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.'' ''I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!'' ''Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!''

An advantage of being with an older womanIf you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.

Whats the definition of a perfect woman ? a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it. b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in. c) The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turn into a roastbeef sandwich and a sixpack.

A
farmer, who went to a big
city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk
about the time of
meals.

''Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and
supper
from 6 to 8,'' explained the clerk.

''Look here,''
inquired the farmer in surprise, ''when am I going to
get time to see the
city?''

A traveller pulls into a hotel
around
midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk
fills out the
paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous
blonde sitting in the
lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he
disappears into the lobby.
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on
his arm.

''Fancy meeting my wife here,'' he says to the clerk.
''Guess I'll
need a double room for the night.''

Next morning,
he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be
over $3000.
''What's the meaning of this?'' he yells at the clerk.
''I've only
been here one night!''

''Yes,'' says the clerk, ''but your wife has
been here for three
weeks.''

|A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, ''I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him.''With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. ''This dog is a special dog,'' he tells her. ''It is able to fly,'' he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.''There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. ''My apple!'' The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.''He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him,'' she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.''Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!'' she exclaims when she gets back home. ''He can fly!''The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, ''Fly eh? Ha! My foot!''

|A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, ''Who is it?''He replied, ''It's the plumber.''He thought it was the lady who'd said, ''Who is it?'' and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, ''Who is it?''He said, ''It's the plumber!''He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, ''Who is it?''He said, ''It's the plumber!!!!!!!!''Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, ''Who is it?''; ''Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!'' he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, ''A dead body!'' she exclaimed, ''Who is it?!''The parrot said, ''It's the plumber.''

What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre ?
A
spinning wheel !

What would happen if tarantulas were as big as

horses ?
If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital !

What kind of doctors are like spiders ?
Spin
doctors !

Why are spiders like tops ?
They are always
spinning !

What did the wife spider say to her
husband
when he tried to explain why he was late ?
Your spinning me a yarn
here !

At The Superbowl Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, ''Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?'' The man said ''no''. Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, ''This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!'' The man replied, ''Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'' ''That's really sad,'' says Bob, ''but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?'' ''No,'' the man replied, ''they're all at the funeral.''

In the summer desert heat, what did a dust
devil say
to the over-talkative dust devil?


-You are really
blowing a lot of hot air

A weather intern walks into
a bar and asks
for a Cold Draft. Suddenly the bar door swings open and
gusty cool
air fills up the bar. After drinking his Draft things seem
to get
back to normal. The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice.
Suddenly
the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash

and thunderous explosion rock the bar. After drinking his Thunderclap

things seem to once again get back to normal. Feeling rather good
at
this point he asks for a third drink- ordering a Tornado on the
rocks.
This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail
stones but
ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar
violently and
break every window. Feeling extra good and cocky at
this point he then
orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane.
The bartender after
this request looks up at the guy perplexed and
says, ''Sorry fella, we
have no Hurricanes in Kansas''.

Why did the tornado get
arrested?


-For speeding, theft, vandalism, assault and murder

Where is a tornado put in jail to be
punished?


-In a high pressure cell

Q: Why do men name their penis?A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of theirdecisions.