Newest jokes

Q. What do a hurricane, a
tornado, and
a
redneck divorce all have in common?

A. Someone's going to
lose their trailer...

Miss DeAngelo was a
none-too-bright young
woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of
becoming a star.
She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter
plenty of men
willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found
herself
called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the

stand, the lawyer came forward.
''Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the
defendant has identified you as the
'other woman' in her husband's
life. Now, do you admit that you went
to the Pricerite Motel with this
Mr. Evans?''
''Well, yes,'' acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff,
''but I
couldn't help it.''
''Couldn't help it?'' asked the lawyer
derisively. ''How's that?''
''Mr. Evans deceived me.'' ''Exactly what
do you mean?''
''See, when we signed in,'' she explained, ''he told the
motel clerk I
was his wife.''

What do a
hurricane, a tornado, a fire and
a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your
house!

A man appears before a judge one day, asking

for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then
says,
''Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.''

''Because,''
the man says,''I live in a two-story house.''

The Judge replies,
''What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a
two-story house?''

The man answers, ''Well Judge, one story is 'I have a
headache'
and the other story is 'It's that time of the
month.'

QUESTION: What do you get from a bee
that
has an udder?
ANSWER: Milk and honey.

What do you get if you cross a
tarantula
with a rose ?
I'm not sure, but I wouldn't try smelling it !

Why did the spider
buy a car ?
So he
could take it out for a spin !

What does a spider do when he
gets angry
?
He goes up the wall !

Why can't meteorologists forecast the

weather?


-They are too busy studying comets and meteors

How easy is it for
wind gusts to talk to
each other?


-It is a breeze

What type of music do lightning bolts listen
to?


-Rock and Roll

Why do tornadoes move so
erratically?


-They are dizzy

Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael
and Tim, passed over at
the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly
Gates, they were met by ST.
Patrick himself, and he addressed the
boys thusly: ''Lads, I'm here to
welcome you to heaven where you
will spend eternity. Just remember one
thing, when you go through
these gates, don't step on any of the ducks
or you'll be punished for
eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed
to see that the entire
ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he
might, sure enough
he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one
of the homliest
colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,''Well
love, you
stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time.''And
of course
the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion
was even
the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.
And
he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the cou
rt
without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken
by a young
lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful,
graceful, blue-eyed
woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped,
''I don't understand
it!'' The young beauty answered, ''Well I'm
sure I don't either, I
was walking along minding my own business,
when all of a sudden I stepped
on a duck.''

Two Irish friends
greeted each
other while waiting their turn at the bank window. ''This
reminds me of
Finnegan,'' remarked one.

''What about Finnegan?'' inquired the
other.

'''Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St.
Peter, he
said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long
time.' 'Well,
Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million
years as a minute
and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said
Finnegan, 'I'm needing
cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St.
Peter, 'just wait a
minute.'''

Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the
water jumped
out!

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't
talk to her!

What do you do if you fiend King Kong in the

kitchen?
Just don't monkey with him.

What do you get if King Kong sits on

your best friend?
A flat mate.

What do you get if King Kong sits on your
piano?
A flat note.