Newest jokes

What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a
skunk?
I don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus!

Why couldn't
the skeleton pay his bus fare?

Because he was skint.

What do monsters play when they are in the bus?

Squash.

Why did the bat miss the bus?
Because he hung
around for too long.

What did the bus conductor say to the frog?
Hop
on.

How did the world's tallest monster become
short overnight?
Someone stole all his money.

What happened when the monster stole a

bottle of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.

Did you hear about the monster who
sent
his picture to a lonely hearts club?
They sent it back saying they
weren't that lonely!

What do you call a thick-skinned
aardvark?
A hardvark!

What do you call an aardvark good with a light
saber?
A darthvark!

What do you call an aardvark that writes
poems?
A bardvark!

Why can elephants swim - and aardvarks
can't?
Aardvarks don't have trunks!

Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants?
They
can stick to the subject!

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they
see a 5-story
hotel with a sign that reads, ''For Women Only.'' Since
they are without
their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go
in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. ''We
have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find
what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide
since each floor has
a sign telling you what's inside.''


They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, ''All the

men on this floor are short and plain.'' The friends laugh and without

hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second
floor reads, ''All the men here are short and
handsome.'' Still, this
isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
up.

They
reach the third floor and the sign reads, ''All the men here are
tall
and plain.'' They still want to do better, and so, knowing there
nare still two floors left, they continue on up.

On the fourth
floor, the sign is perfect. ''All the men here are tall
and
handsome.'' The women get all excited and are about to go in when
they
realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they
would be missing, they head on up to the fifth
floor.

On the
fifth floor they find a sign that reads, ''There are no men
here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a

woman.''

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled
across an old
lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.


The genie said ''You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is
the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick
of these
wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one
wish!''

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
''I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get
very seasick.

''Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over there to
visit?''

The genie laughed and said,
''That's impossible! Think of the
logistics of that! How would the
supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much
concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to
think of another wish.''


The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he
said, ''I've been married and divorced four times. My w
ives always said
that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So,
I wish that I could
understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside and what they're
thinking when they give me the silent
treatment. I want to figure out
why they're crying, know what they
really want when they say
'nothing', and know how to make them truly
happy.''

The genie paused for a while and said, ''How many lanes
do you want on
that bridge?''

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes
through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in
particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
of the
plane. ''I'm too young to die!'' she wails. Then she yells,
''Well, if
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable!
No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had

it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??''


For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own
peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the
plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
''I can make you
feel like a woman,'' he says. This tall, tanned and
built guy with jet
black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt
one button at a time.

No one move
s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited.
He
removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches
her,
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and

whispers: ''Iron this.''

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?

-
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

A not so rich couple decided to

stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately

recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out,
instead he
decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to
settle the bill
and were surprized to find they owe
$3000.

''How's this? We've only been here one night!'' the man was
annoyed.
''So?'', said the manager, ''this is a very expensive hotel. We have
golf
courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and

restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.''
''But we didn't use
any of these!'' explained the couple.
''If you didn't use - that's
your problem,'' came the reply.

''In that case, you owe me $2000.
You see, my wife is a call girl who
charges $5000 a night, so please
settle your bill,'' said the man.
''What do you mean?'' the manager was
taken off guard, ''I didn't
sleep with your wife!''
''If yo
u didn't use - that's your problem!''

''And will there be
anything
else, sir?'' the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate
dinner
for two.
''No thank you,'' the gentleman replied. ''That will be
all.''

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin
negligee
on the bed. ''Anything for your wife ?'' he asked.
''Yeah!
That's a good idea,'' the fellow said. ''Please bring up a

postcard.''

A traveler became lost in the
Sahara desert. Realizing his
only chance for survival was to find
civilization, he began walking.
Time passed, and he became thirsty. More
time passed, and he began feeling
faint. He was on the verge of
passing out when he spied a tent about
500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and
called out,
''Water...''.

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, ''I
am
sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy
a
tie?'' With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.

''You fool,'' gasped the man. ''I'm dying! I need
water!''
''Well, sir,'' replied the bedouin, ''If you really need water, there

is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get
some.''

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his
parched body the distance to the second tent. With his
last ounce of
strength he tugged at the door of the tent and
collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at
the door and
enquired, ''May I help you sir?''
''Water...'' was the
feeble reply.
''Oh, sir,'' replied the bedouin, ''I'm sorry, but you
can't come in
here without a tie!''