Newest jokes

|Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth. Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with ''A man once told me....'' How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven! I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: ''I wanna know your name...'' If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! One golfer tells another: ''Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!'' The other replies: ''GREAT trade!'' What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business? 1) No mind.2) No business. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's on the TV?'' and I said, ''Dust!''

|Advice From Men To Women...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials....Please don't drive when you're not driving....Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

There once was a blind man who decided to visit

Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
''Wow,
these seats are big!'' The person next to him answered,
''Everything is
big in Texas.''

When he finally arrived in Texas, he
decided to visit a bar. Upon
arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer
and got a mug placed between his
hands. He exclaimed, ''Wow these
mugs are big!'' The bartender replied,
''Everything is big in Texas.''


After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where
the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, ''Second door to
the
right.'' The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally
tripped over
and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the
third door, which
lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by
accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
''Don't flush, don't
flush!''

A blind man was describing his favorite sport,
parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that
things were all done
for him: ''I am placed in the door with my seeing
eye dog and told when
to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring
for me and out I go with
the dog.''

''But how do you know when
you are going to land?'' he was asked. ''I
have a very keen sense of
smell, and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet from
the ground'' he answered.

''But how do you know when to lift your
legs for the final arrival on
the ground?'' he was again asked. He
quickly answered: ''Oh, the dog's
leash goes slack.''

What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the
Snowman?
Have an ice day!

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a

snowman?
Frostbite.

Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over
their
baby's crib? A: A snowmobile!

What do Snowmen call their offspring?

Chill-dren.

How do you break a blonde's nose?Place a dildo under a glass table!

What do you call a brunette between two blondes?Translator.

How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck?If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at thesame time and still know which one to spit out.

|Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

|A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The ''disturbance'' turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.Said the policeman, ''I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.''The giant nodded.''If I had some chains,'' the deputy continued, ''you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?''Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. ''I can't get out of these,'' the giant growled.''Are you sure?'' the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. ''Nope,'' he replied. ''I can't do it.''''In that case,'' said the deputy, ''you're under arrest.''

|The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.''Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?'' inquired the officer.''Mister,'' exclaimed the telephone lineman, ''I was at the top of the pole!''

|A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.''Mister,'' the patrolman said to the driver, ''I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'''

|Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, ''Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood.''''We're new here,'' says the second one. ''It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us.''The first bat replies, ''Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.'' He flies out of the cave.When he returns, he is covered with blood.The second bat says excitedly, ''Where did you get the blood?''The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, ''See that black building over there?''''Yes,'' the other bat answers.''Well,'' says the first bat, ''I didn't.''

|Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an ''after-hours'' appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, ''I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!''Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, ''You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!''To which the bird replied, ''Killer, get him!!!''

|The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... ''Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

|There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.The first cow said, ''I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.''The other cow replies, ''I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks.''

|This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, ''My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam.''She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. ''Did you say that?'' she asks.''Why, yes, I did!'' he replies. ''And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you.''The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, ''You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?''The parrot says, ''Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street.''So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.She says, ''Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!''The parrot says, ''Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry.''Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. ''I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!'' As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, ''I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?''