Newest jokes

Caller: My goodness, Operator! Your nose is
so
stuffed up, I can't understand you. You should really take
something for
that cold.
Operator: Good idea. I'll take the rest
of the day off!

After hearing that one of the patients

in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by
pulling
him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the
rescuer's
file and called him into his office.

''Mr. Haroldson,
your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you're ready to
go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later
killed
himself with a rope around the neck.''

''Oh, he didn't kill himself,''
Mr. Haroldson replied. ''I hung him up
to dry.''

The
mother of a problem child was
advised by a psychiatrist, ''You are far
too upset and worried about
your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers
regularly.''

On her
next visit the psychiatrist asked, ''Have the tranquilizers
calmed
you down?''

''Yes,'' the boy's mother answered.

''And how is
your son now?'' the psychiatrist asked.

''Who cares?'' the mother
replied.

Three
patients in a mental
institution prepare for an examination given by the
head psychiatrist. If
the patients pass the exam, they will be free to
leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain
them for five
years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving
board
looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first
patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and
breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both
legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

''Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you
jump?'' asked
the doctor.

To which the third patient
answered, ''Well Doc, I can't swim!''

Two psychiatrists were walking down a
hall.

One turned to the other and said, ''Hello.''

The other
one thought, ''I wonder what he meant by that.''

How many Histrionic
P.D. does to
take to change a lightbulb?
''You want me to change the lightbulb? I
could burn my hand! I could be
electrocuted! I could fall off the
ladder and be paralyzed for life!
You
don't love me anymore!''

Staring down from the bench to announce the

terms of the
divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and
said:
''I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.''


To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: ''That's
mighty
kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too.''

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still
many women
these days
who are excellent ''housekeepers''. Seems
each time they get a divorce,
they keep the house.

Two
men are talking. The first sez, ''I got
married because I was tired
of eating out, cleaning the house, doing
the laundry and wearing
shabby clothes.''

''Amazing,'' said the
second, ''I just got divorced for the very same
reasons.''

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Medusa Barbie
...Barbie with snakes for hair

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Gangsta Barbie ...complete set of Raiders apparel; rap cassette

included

|Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it ''English''.Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it ''English''.Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.Aussies: Add ''G'day'', ''mate'' and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

|An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says '' We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive''The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers ''God Save The Queen'' and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers ''Viva La France'' and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers ''Remember the Alamo'' and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Did you hear
about the monster who had an
extra pair of hands?
Where did he keep them?
In a
handbag.mons

A monster walked into the council rent office

with a $5 note stuck in one ear and a $10 note in the other.

You see, he was $15 in arrears.

Did you hear about the monster with
one
eye at the back of his head, and one at the front?
He was terribly
moody because he couldn't see eye to eye with
himself.

Why did the monster take a dead man for a
drive in his car?
Because he was a car-case.

Why did the
monster paint himself in
rainbow colors?
Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.

|A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I'M HUNGRY.I'm hungry. I'M SLEEPY.I'm sleepy. I'M TIRED.I'm tired. I'VE GOTTA GO.Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHAT'S WRONG?I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. WHAT'S WRONG?What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.$50 and it doesn't look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LET'S TALK, HONEY.I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

|A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING: I JUST NEED SOME SPACE..... without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE..... you cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?I can't believe you have nothing planned. COME HERE.My puppy does this, too. I LIKE YOU, BUT...I don't like you. YOU NEVER LISTEN.You never listen. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch. OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.