Newest jokes

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her ''go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?'' The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, ''I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!'' The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says ''Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?'' The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, ''That's easy! It's M!''

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, ''What ever possessed you to study Japanese?'' The couple said proudly, ''We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him''.

So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. ''Eh, what you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails?'' he asked. ''Because they're upside down,'' the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, ''You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!''

|Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. Father Murphy said, ''Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran.''

|Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ''Do you want to go to heaven?'' The man said, ''I do Father.'' The priest said, ''Then stand over there against the wall.'' Then the priest asked the second man, ''Do you want to got to heaven?'' ''Certainly, Father,'' was the man's reply. ''Then stand over there against the wall,'' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, ''Do you want to go to heaven?'' O'Toole said, ''No, I don't Father.'' The priest said, ''I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'' O'Toole said, ''Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.''

|O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. ''I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home.''

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, ''I'm going to acostume party, I want to go as Adam.'' The girl brings outa fig leaf. He says, ''Not big enough.''She brings out a bigger one. He says, ''Still not big enough.''She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, ''Still not big enough.''She says, ''Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over yourshoulder and go as a gasoline pump?''

The Bachelor DietMondayBreakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallowsome toothpaste while brushing your teethLunch - Send your secretary out for six ''gutbombers''- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime butnow cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, abowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on theway back for a family size bottle of maalox.Afternoon Snack - Drink the maaloxDinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chickenthree-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.TuesdayBreakfast - Eat the coleslawLunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninetyfive cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eatwhatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.WednesdayBreakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night atEl Flasho'sLunch - Rolaids and a cokeDinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg forscrapsThursdayBreakfast - Order out for pizzaLunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbombersack forleftovers.Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you gethungry ask the bartender for olives.FridayBreakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes betterand it's better for you.Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murderDinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don'teat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.SaturdayBreakfast - Sleep through it.Lunch - DittoDinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant themin a hanging basket.SundayBreakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her aboutrenting your old room.

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

''Only in America'':...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink....do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage....do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight....do we use the word ''politics'' to describe the process so well: ''poli'' in latin meaning ''many'' and ''tics'' meaning ''blood-sucking creatures''.

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke.People are running frantically, trying to figure outwhat to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisperto each other and run in front of the choking lady. Onestrips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in frontof his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged foodfrom her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the twohomosexuals return to their food.One turns to the other and says,''Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!''

Q.How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman
is dead?
A. The remote control slips from his hand.

Q.How do you put out a
fire?

A.Take away the HEAT , FUEL , OXYGEN , or the CHIEF!

When the employees of a
restaurant
attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official

demonstrate the
proper way to operate an extinguisher. ''Pull the pin like a
hand
grenade,'' he explained, ''then depress the trigger
to release
the foam.''

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a
controlled fire in the
parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot
to
pull the pin. The instructor hinted, ''Like a hand grenade,

remember?''

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled
the
extinguisher at the blaze.

Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age,
and she
died.

Yo mama so old her social security number is
1!

Yo mama so old that when she was in school

there was no history class.

Hello, police? Please send an officer over
to 324 London Road
right away!
Sorry, this isn't the police
station. It's the Delicatessen.
Oh. Well, in that case, please send
over a pastrami sandwich!

What do
you get if you cross a phone
with a rooster?
A wake-up call!

What animals talk on the telephone the most?

The yakety-yaks!