Newest jokes

There is
a new Barbie doll on the
market - Godzilla Barbie ...six foot tall
lizard with Barbie head

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
King
Kong Barbie ...six foot tall ape holding Barbie doll dressed
like Fae
Rae

There
is a new Barbie doll on the
market - Darth Vader Barbie ...with plastic
helmet; pull the string and
she sounds like James Earl Jones

Rules that guys wished girls knew..........1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to seeif he can find the perfect present!5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are preparedto discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of thetides. Let it be.11. Shopping is not a sport.12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.13. You have enough clothes.14. You have too many shoes.15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you thinkwe'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.25. Check your oil.26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz inCosmo together.29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of theways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want itdone - but not both.35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right tocomplain about having their boobs stared at.38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.41. Anyone can buy condoms.

What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?It's butt!

What's the difference between a porcupine and the White House?With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:''You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes.'' What is your first wish?, The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, say: ''well, can i talk to my horse o' great chief?''The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says ''he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse''. So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it's ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says, ''Chief, can i talk to my horse again''? The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into it's ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!... 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says ''Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse..''So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells''LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,...I SAID - GO GET A POSSE!!!''

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip toLouisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: ''Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.''

|An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.The message for the B-52 crew was, ''Anything you can do, I can do better.''Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, ''So? What did you do?'' ''We just shut down two engines.''

|One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to ''secure a building,'' they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

|Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!

|Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. ''That's no problem, son,'' said the sergeant. ''Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'.'' ''But what about a bayonet, Sarge?'' asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. ''Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'.'' The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, ''Bangety Bang Bang!'' The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes ''Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!'' He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. ''Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. ''Bangety Bang Bang!'' repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. ''Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!'' It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, ''Tankety Tank Tank.''

|A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.''But, officer,'' the man began, ''I can explain''''Just be quiet,'' snapped the officer. ''I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.''''But, officer, I just wanted to say''''And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!''A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, ''Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.''''Don't count on it,'' answered the fellow in the cell. ''I'm the groom.''

|The wife says: You wantThe wife means: You wantThe wife says: We needThe wife means: I wantThe wife says: It's your decisionThe wife means: The correct decision should be obviousThe wife says: Do what you wantThe wife means: You'll pay for this laterThe wife says: We need to talkThe wife means: I need to complainThe wife says: Sure... go aheadThe wife means: I don't want you toThe wife says: I'n not upsetThe wife means: Of course I'm upset you moronThe wife says: You're ... so manlyThe wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lotThe wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lightsThe wife means: I have flabby thighs.The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenientThe wife means: I want a new house.The wife says: I want new curtains.The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!The wife says: I need wedding shoes.The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.The wife says: Hang the picture thereThe wife means: No, I mean hang it there!The wife says: I heard a noiseThe wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.The wife says: Do you love me?The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.The wife says: How much do you love me?The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.The wife says: Am I fat?The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.The wife means: Just agree with me.The wife says: Are you listening to me?The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]The wife says: YesThe wife means: NoThe wife says: NoThe wife means: NoThe wife says: MaybeThe wife means: NoThe wife says: I'm sorryThe wife means: You'll be sorryThe wife says: Do you like this recipe?The wife means: You better get used to itThe wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dishThe wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.The wife says: Was that the baby?The wife means: Get out of bed and walk himThe wife says: I'm not yelling!The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!In answer to the question ''What's wrong?''The wife says: The same old thing.The wife means: Nothing.The wife says: Nothing.The wife means: Everything.The wife says: Nothing, really.The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

|After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, ''I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.'' Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, ''Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?''

|A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. ''The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.''The man lowered his head and said, ''Wedding cake.''

|As supposedly reported on CNN:Undercover police, staging the wedding of ''a drug kingpin's daughter'', let it be known on the street that dealers were ''invited'' (i. e. Expected to attend).The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was ''S. P. O. C.'' (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.The long-sought dealers were arrested after the ''band'' took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? ''I Fought The Law, And The Law Won''

|Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. ''In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!''Another horse breaks in, ''Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!''''Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!'', says another, flicking his tail.At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. ''I don't mean to boast,'' says the greyhound, ''but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!''The horses are clearly amazed. ''Wow!'' says one, after a hushed silence. ''A talking dog.''

Who drives away all
his customers
?
A taxi driver.

Bus passenger: I'd like a ticket to New York,

please.
Ticket seller: By Buffalo? Bus passenger: Of course not,
I'm in the
bus queue, aren't I?