Newest jokes

|Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, ''I vould like some blood.''The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, ''I vould like some blood.''The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, ''I vould like some plasma.''The waitress looks up and says, ''Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?''

|A neutron walks into a bar. ''I'd like a beer'' he says.The bartender promptly serves up a beer. ''How much will that be?'' asks the neutron. ''For you?'' replies the bartender, ''no charge''

What word allows you to take away two letters

and get one?
Stone.

|The first day after ChristmasMy true love and I had a fightAnd so I chopped the pear tree downAnd burnt it, just for spite Then with a single cartridgeI shot that blasted partridge My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. The second day after ChristmasI pulled on the old rubber glovesAnd very gently wrung the necksOf both the turtle doves My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the third day after ChristmasMy mother caught the croupI had to use the three French hensTo make some chicken soup The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obsceneThe five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green. The sixth day after ChristmasThe six laying geese wouldn't laySo I sent the whole darn gaggle to theA.S.P.C.A. My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.The eighth day after ChristmasBefore they could suspectI bundled up theEight maids-a-milkingNine ladies dancingTen lords-a-leapingEleven pipers pipingTwelve drummers drummingAnd sent them back collectI wrote my true love''We are through, love!''And I said in so many words''Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!'' Four calling birds,Three French hens,Two turtle dovesAnd a partridge in a pear tree!''

Q. What does CHAOS stand for?
A.The
Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.

Seems
the Shah of Iran was visiting
Disneyland with his young son. The son
seemed to be having a good
time
but had that look that something else was on his mind. The Shah
asked,
''What do you really want, Son?'' The
Son said, ''A Mickey
Mouse Outfit.'' With that, the Shaw went out and
bought him a uniform
from the
neighboring Fire Department.

A fire chief died and went to heaven. When

he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly
gates.
He told himself, ''I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in
line.''

He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, ''Let
me in. I'm a
fire chief.'' The angels replied, ''You'll have
to
wait in line like everyone else, sir.''

While waiting at the back
of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red
lights and a man got
out wearing a white
helmet that said ''CHIEF''. The angels popped to
attention and let the
chief enter heaven. The waiting fire
chief
was pissed and went to talk to the angels.

He asked, ''Why did you
let that fire chief go through and not me?'' To
which the angels
replied, ''You have it all
wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's
a Fire Chief.''

What do you get if you cross a telephone

with a fat football player?
A wide receiver.

What do you get if you cross a telephone
with a
night crawler?
Ringworm!

How do scaredy-cats answer the phone?

Yellow?

Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys
like to eat with their hats on.

Q: What's the definition
of a
teenager?
A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Q: Did you hear the slogan for the the new

''Stealth Condom?''
A: ''They'll never see you coming.''

Q: What do you call a truckload
of
vibrators?
A: Toys for Twats.

Q: What do you call kinky sex with
chocolate?
A: S&M&M.

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thickand long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approachedthe Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.The boy said ''Thank you, virgin Father!''The priest replied, ''What did you say?''The boy repeated, ''Thank you, virgin Father!''The priest asked him, ''Do you know what that means?''The boy replied, ''Yes.... tight ass!''

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him ''How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?'' He replies ''Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.'' His father says ''That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?'' Johnny answers ''Well, so far, we've been lucky...''

Sarah was a curious thirteen year old girl. ''Mommy,'' she said, ''I'd like you to answer one question.'' ''Very good,'' replied her mother, ''I was wondering when you would become curious about birds, flowers and bees.'' ''It's not that,'' said the girl. ''I know all about screwing. What I would like to know is how to make lasagna.''

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: ''Da-ad...'' ''What?'' ''I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?''''No. You had your chance. Lights out.''Five minutes later: ''Da-aaaad...'' ''WHAT?'' ''I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??'' ''I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!''Five minutes later... ''Daaaa-aaaad...'' ''WHAT??!!'' ''When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?''

The teacher says, ''Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is ''beautiful''. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use ''beautiful'' in a sentence?'' Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, ''Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.'' Teacher says, ''Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.'' Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, ''Teacher, the sunrise this morningwas the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.'' Teacher says, ''Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn.'' Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, ''Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, ''Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.''