Newest jokes

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, ''Just what the hell you are doing?'' ''Well,'' said the guy, ''you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!'' ''That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!'' the guy replied. ''I'm a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me?''

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn't make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, ''When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way.''

|For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, ''Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?''Tommy burst into tears and confessed, ''I think Mommy ate it!''

|Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ''Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins.''''What a coincidence!'' the man said with some obvious pride. ''I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.''The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ''You, sir, are the father of triplets.''''Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence,'' he answered. ''I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.''An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.''Don't tell me another coincidence?'' asked the nurse.After finally regaining his composure, he said, ''I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.''After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.The nurse asked, ''Sir, are you all right?''''Yes'' says the man, ''I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store.''

|A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.''Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!'', he whined.''You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!'', retorted the officer. ''You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!''''Oh no!'', replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.''Where's my Rolex???!!!''

|The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.He told his Syrian guest, ''Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.''''No, no - you don't understand!'' the Syrian replied. ''Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!''

|The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.He told his Syrian guest, ''Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.''''No, no - you don't understand!'' the Syrian replied. ''Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!''

|Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed 'The Chicken Gun'Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force ''chicken gun.''It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour ... The armament is used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds.''My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness,'' Baker told colleagues.''I wonder why a 'special classified briefing' had not been set up for members of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger was planning one.''Baker also wondered aloud ''how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment of their 'chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow missles get along with this new weapon...''Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own version of 'the chicken gun', ''which would be, one assumes, a 'chicken of the sea'.''Baker congratulated the Air Force ''on it's resourcefulness.''''Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be skeptical of such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a little 'fowl' play,'' Baker replied...

Q. What is good for your soul but not your
soles?
A. Linedancing!

What is a ghost's favorite Wild West

town?
Tombstone.

What's brown and furry on the inside and
clear on the
outside?
King Kong in clingfilm

Why didn't King Kong go to Hong Kong?

He didn't like Chinese food.

Why did King Kong paint the bottoms of

his feet brown?
So that he could hide upside down in a jar of peanut
butter.

What do you do if King Kong sits in
front
of you at the cinema?
Miss most of the film!

What happened when King Kong swallowed Big

Ben?
He found time-consuming.

Why was the big, hairy,
two-headed monster
top of the class at school?
Because two heads are better than
one.

What can a monster do that you
can't do?

Count up to 25 on his fingers.

Q: Define Transvestite:
A: A guy who likes to
eat, drink and be Mary.

Which big cat should you never play
cards with ?
A cheetah !

One day a Blonde and a Brunette were driving through the country..The Brunette noticed a woman over in a field of wheat rowing in akayak.The Blonde then noticed also and the Brunette asked her ''Why is she in aboat out in a field of wheat? There is a lake right down the road!''And the Blonde replied... ''Want me to swim out and tell her?''