Newest jokes

What is the fiercest flower in the
garden ?
The tiger lily !

What was the name of the film about a

killer lion that swam underwater ?
'Claws.'

If a four-legged animal is a quadruped
and a two-legged
animal is a biped, What's a tiger ?
A
stri-ped !

First Caribou: What kind of math do
owls like?
Second Caribou: Owlgebra.

|Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, ''Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.'' Murphy said, ''Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.''

|Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a bus to Yuma, Arizona.

|''And how's yer wife, Pat?'' ''Sure, she do be awful sick.'' ''Is ut dangerous she is?'' ''No, she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!''

|A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, ''How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?''''No, ma'am,'' explained the officer, ''it's your foot.''

|The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.A cop pulled up and said, ''I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk''The wasted wino asked, ''Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?''''Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,'' said the copper. ''Let's go.''Obviously relieved, the wino said ''That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple.''

|Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.He thinks to himself, ''This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!''So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, ''Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?''''Ma'am,'' the officer replies, ''You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.''''Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!'' the old woman says a bit proudly.The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that ''22'' was the route number, not the speed limit.A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.''But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time,'' the officer asks.''Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142.''

|A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, ''SPEED TRAP AHEAD''.The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted ''TIPS'' and a bucket of change.

|1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make ''housework'' easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, ''honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.'' ''This Windex should last you a while.'' ''I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.'' All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a ''night out with the boys.''4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. ''Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.'' By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, ''were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?'' An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to ''do these pants make me look fat.'' If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on ''How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday.'' These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

''Professor, I hear your wife has had twins.

Boys or girls?''
''Well, I believe one is a girl and one is a boy
but it may be the
other way around.''

Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?
Student:
When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.

What do you get when you
cross a Texas
Aggie with an ape?
A retarded ape.

Why did the bald man go outside ?
To
get some fresh hair !

Doctor, Doctor my
hair keeps falling
out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?
Yes, here is a paper
bag !

Teacher : Would you at the
back of the room
stop passing notes.
Pupil : We're not passing notes. We're playing
cards !

Are you in
the top half of your class
?
No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible !

Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good,

but where is the wagon ?
Pupil: The horse will draw it !