Newest jokes

|At a friend's wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons--all filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove box, etc. They popped the balloons, and everyone was relaxed and laughing. But balloons were popping all during the trip of their honeymoon. They said they enjoyed the trick.

|What Exactly Is Marriage?''Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents'' -Eric, six years old''When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out.'' -Anita, nine years oldHow Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?''You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.'' -Kelly, nine years old''My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome.'' -Carolyn, eight years oldConcerning the Proper Age to Get Married''Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife'' -Bert, five years oldHow Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?''They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.'' -Lottie, nine years old''My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind.'' -Jeremy, eight years oldWhat Do Most People Do on a Date?''On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.'' -Martin, ten years old''Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.'' -Craig, nine years oldWhen Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?''You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding.'' -Allan, ten years old''Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.'' -Kally, nine years oldThe Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?''You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan'' -Kirsten, ten years old''It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them'' -Anita, nine years old''It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble.'' -Will, seven years old

|When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he doesn't have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker Jacks that contained the wedding ring.The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last laugh. It was truely classic.

|BalloonsObtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.Add some peanutsIf you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left.Impossible to drive awayJack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev...and rev...and rev.

A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil's hands. ''You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you,'' the devil said.In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. ''I don't like that,'' said the man. ''Show me the second.''In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. ''Well, that's better than brick,'' the man said, ''but show me the third.''In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. ''I'll choose this room,'' he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, ''O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads.''

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. ''I got a cookbook once,'' said the first, ''but I could never do anything with it.''''Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?'' asked the second.''You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'''

Whats the difference between pink and purple? Your grip.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in theworld does it take to do the dishes? -Both of them.

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no womenaround to hear him, is he still wrong?

Men are like...Men are like animals: messy, insensitive andpotentially violent, but they make great pets.

What do you get if you cross King Kong with

a giant frog?
A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building
and catches
aeroplanes with its tongue.

After being away on business, Tim thought it

would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

''How about
some perfume?'' he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a
bottle costing $50.00.

''That's a bit much,'' said Tim, so she
returned with a smaller bottle
for $30.00.

''That's still quite a
bit,'' Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a
tiny $15.00 bottle.

''What I mean,'' said Tim, ''is I'd like to see
something really
cheap.''

The clerk handed him a mirror.

Why did King Kong join the army?
To learn
about gorilla warfare.

|As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, ''All right! All you dummies fall out.'' As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, ''Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?''

|First soldier: ''Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?''Second soldier: ''No way, Jose!''First soldier: ''Whyever not?''Second soldier: ''It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!''

|An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card (unfortunately B-) ). So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: ''Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!'' The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back - once again, with the smoke: ''OK, chief, but why so much ?'' At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky... The tribe signals: ''Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?''

|The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.At the scene, the cop told the Marines to ''cover'' him as he approched the store (to police, ''cover'' means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, ''They're shooting at me!''.

|Lease a Nuke!Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation? Lease a nuclear device! In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused. Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being. Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police's encouragement. Why lease? By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too. Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously. Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers? Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action. With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army. The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability. The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives. Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger. Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power. Dr. Nuketopia, Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy (Opinions strictly reflect the party line)

How do frogs die ?
They kermit suidide !

What's a frogs favourite flower ?
A croakus
!