Newest jokes

|The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument. Finally, and Irishman said, ''Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!''

|This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan. ''That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written.'' To which Behan replied: ''Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too.''

A tiny
racing car was developed by
American scientists. The Americans then sent
the car over to Japan
to see what the Japanese could do to better the
car. The Japanese
added sport wheels and an aero kit to the car, they than
sent it to
the U.K. The British scientists, to better the car, added a
sound
system and window tint. They then sent it over to the Chinese,
who
added on a lowered suspension to the tiny car. The Chinese then sent

it over to India. The Indian scientists, looked at the tiny car,

appreciated all the modifications the other countries had made, turned it

over and stamped a sign on it.... MADE IN INDIA!!!

Personally, I like
to stay and read
the credits. When the last scene of Titanic faded to
black and
people began rushing for the exits, I shouted: ''Quick! There
are only
enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!''

A man was fed up of
having his car
broken into and having his radio stolen he decided he
would remove
it when he parked his car he also left a note saying there
is no
point in breaking in my car as there is nothing to steal. When he

returned to his car it had been broken into again and there was a new

note where his had left his, saying just checking.!

How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does
to take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But he has to check it 100
times, one for each watt.

How many
Borderline P.D. does to
take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't
change it for
him/her.

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic
are up for
release. The shrink informs them that they will have to
pass a simple
test. Asking the first patient:
Q. How much is two
plus two?
A: Blue.

At which the kind doctor calls in the
orderly to escort the patient
back to his room.

Turning to
the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To
which the
patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to
remove
the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks,
''How
much is five plus five?'' The patient answers very confidentally:

Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The

patient: ''Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten.''

Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that

people don't give a hoot about anything I say.
Psychiatrist:
So?

Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!

Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?
Professor Yes, but
I thought it was mine!

Did you hear about the
Louisiana Tech
professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours,
wondering where
he'd seen himself before?

|''Didja hear the news?'' asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. ''Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!'' ''Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!''

|Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun. ''Don't jump,'' she said, and I'll grant you three wishes.'' ''Right,'' he said. ''my first wish is to have $100,000.'' She said, ''When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount.'' He then said, ''My second wish is to have my wife and children back.'' She said, ''They will be there when you get home.'' He said, ''My third wish is to be tall and handsome.'' She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted.'' Then she added, ''I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me.'' He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again. She said, ''What age are you?'' He replied, ''I'm forty.'' She said, ''Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?''

|Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. ''This reminds me of Finnegan,'' remarked one. ''What about Finnegan?'' inquired the other. '''Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'''

|Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other. ''It's windy,'' said one. ''No, it's Thursday,'' said the next. ''So am I,'' said the third. ''Let's go and have a drink!''

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that theblonde behind the wheel was knitting.The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to thedriver--''PULL OVER!''''NO!'' the blonde yelled back, ''SCARF!''

(This joke requires the use a small visual. I'll describe the visualfirst, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it) Visual: Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands alsostretched wide open.Joke: Why did the blonde want to date Jesus? She heard he was (usevisual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!

Q: What's the differenc between a blond and a mosquito?A: A mosquito stops sucking once you whack it.

What does a blonde say after sex? Thanks Guys.

|A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: ''You're what?!?''