Newest jokes

An actor went to see a new agent one day

and said, `You must have a look at my act, it really is
innovative.'

So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few
times and
landed smoothly on the agent's desk.

`So you do
bird impressions,' said the agent, `what else can you
do?'

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out ablank form and wrote, ''Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof.''The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, ''There areonly nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for thesame price.''The dog replied ''What, and ruin the punchline?!''

What did the dentist say to the
golfer?
''You have a hole in one. ''

Whats a frogs favourite game ?
It's croak-et
!

What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog ?

A croaker spaniel !

Why do frogs have webbed feet ?
To stamp out
forest fires !

What do you say if you meet a toad ?
Wart's
new !

A couple were
being given a
guided tour of Pico da Bandeira,
one of the highest mountains in the
Americas. Their guide
pointed out where a young couple, petrified by
lava, had been
discovered. They had died in the act of making
love.

''How awful !'' exclaimed the wife.

''Si, but what a great
way to spend eternity.'' added the
husband.

A German tourist walks into a
McDonald's in New York City
and orders a
beer. (In Germany and many
parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does
serve
beer.) The
local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the
jab: ''They
don't serve BEER here, you MORON!'' The German fellow felt
pretty
stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised
look,

and begins to chuckle.

''And what's so funny?!?'' the New
Yorker demands.

''Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came
here for the
food.''

This woman is visiting in Israel

and notices that her little travel alarm
needs a battery. She
looks for a watch repair shop and while she
doesn't
read Hebrew
she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the
window.

She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, ''Madam, I

don't
repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions.''
She says,
''Why all the clocks in the window?''
And he says, ''And what should I
have in my window?''

Ben's dad was building a pine bookshelf and

Ben was watching and occasionally helping. ' What are the holes
for ?'
Ben asked.
'They're knot holes,' said his
dad.
'What are they, then, if they're not holes ?' asked Ben.

Dick and
Jane were arguing furiously over
the breakfast table. ' Oh you're so
stupid!' shouted
Dick.
'Dick!' said their father, 'that's quite enough of that! Now say

you're sorry.'
'OK,' said Dick. 'Jane, I'm sorry you're
stupid.'

What do you call a boxing match between two

aardvarks?
A snout bout!

Who's aardvark's favorite male
singer?
Frank Sinostril!

What are the aardvark's favorite Beatle's
songs?
It's Been an Aards Day's Night and I Want to Hold Your
Ant!

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses

in her yearbook.

Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the
menu,
sir?
Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.

MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you

not to eat with your fingers?
Use the spade like everyone
else.

Little monster: Mom I've finished.
Can I
leave the table?
Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your tea.

Which dances do the burgers do best?
The
burger-loo and the char char!