Newest jokes

What did the parrot say on Independence
Day?
Polly wants a firecracker!

What do you call a parrot when it has dried
itself
after a bath?
Polly unsaturated!

What do you call the place where parrots make

films?
Pollywood!

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. ''I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?''''It's $50,000,'' the lawyer said. ''But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?''''That's my business! Get me the course!''Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, ''please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?''In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, ''One less lawyer . . .''

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructedthe cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats andget prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants ifeveryone was buckled in and ready.''All set back here, Captain,'' came the reply, ''except onelawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.''

Question: What do you call a gay man's scrotum?Answer: Mud flaps!

An Irishman went into a post office to see if
there were any
letters for him.
''I'll see, sir,'' said the
clerk.
''What is your name?''
''You're having me on now because I'm
Irish,'' said the Irishman.
''Won't you see the name on the
envelope?''

An old lady walked in to the post
office to
buy stamps and as she was short-sighted the clerk offered to
stick
the stamps on for her.

`Wait a minute,' he said, `you've
written the address upside down.'


`I know,' said the little
old lady, `the letter is going to
Australia.'

Barber: Were
you wearing a red scarf
when you came in? Customer: No.
Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have
cut your throat.

My barber is a specialist in road map

shaves.
How come?
When he's finished, your face is full of
short cuts.

Barber: And how
old are you, little
man?
Fred: Eight.
Barber: And do you want a haircut?
Fred:
Well, I certainly didn't come in for a shave!

Headline in today's newspaper:''Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake''!

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa!

Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?So men can understand them.

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?11. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.8. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.7. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.6. Want to race to the station, Sparky?5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!4. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.3. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!1. No, YOU assume the position.

Neighbour:
Haven't I seen you on TV?

Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?

Neighbour: Off.

Denied membership in an exclusive country
club because he was an
actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is
reported to have said ''Hell,
I'm no actor, and I've got thirty
movies to prove it!''

Why was the
actor pleased to be on
the gallows?
Because at last he was in the noose.

Fred: I'd love to be an
actress.

Harry: Break a leg then! Amy: Whatever for?
Fred: Then you'd be
in a cast for weeks.