Newest jokes

Men are like pillows.
Eventually, even the best
ones get soft and lumpy.

FIRST MONSTER: I'm going
to a party
tonight.
SECOND MONSTER: Oh, are you?
FIRST MONSTER: Yes, I must go
to the graveyard and dig out a few old
friends.

What do you get if you cross a monster with a

flea?
Lots of very worried dogs.

MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice

to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she

hits you.

What's big and hairy and goes 'beep
beep'?
A monster in a traffic jam.

Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in

Roman numerals.

Why did the little piglet fall
in love with
the hog?
Because he was such a sloppy dresser.

Why did the little pig try to
join the Navy?

He loved to sing, ''Oinkers Aweight''

Why did the little pig hide the soap?
He heard
the farmer yell, ''Hogwash!''

Why did the big pig want to go on stage?
There
was a lot of ham in him.

|T'was the night before finals,And all through the college,The students were prayingFor last minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy,But none touched their beds,While visions of essaysDanced in their heads. Out in the taverns,A few were still drinking,And hoping that liquorWould get their brains thinking. In my own apartment,I had been pacing,Dreading all those examsI soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless,His nose in his books,And my comments to himDrew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee,And brewed a new pot,No longer caringThat my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes,But my thoughts were all muddy,My eyes went a'blur,I just couldn't study. ''Some pizza might help,''I said with a shiver,But each place I calledRefused to deliver. I'd pretty much concludedLife is unfair and cruel,Since our futures all dependOn grades made in school. When all of a sudden,Our door opened wide,And Patron Saint Put-It-OffAmbled inside. Her spirit was careless,Her manner was mellow,She looked at the messAnd started to bellow: ''Why should us studentsMake such a fuss,About what those teachersToss out to us?'' ''On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!On Last Year's Exams!On Wingit and Slingit,And Last Minute Crams!'' Her message delivered,She vanished from sight,But we heard her laughingOutside in the night. ''Your teachers won't flunk you,So just do your best.Happy Finals to All,And to All, a good test.''

|Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the ''Twelve Days of Christmas'' subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (''thirteen lawyers-a-suing''), action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

|Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival,throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; andWhereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; andWhereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; andWhereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; andWhereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows:''Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen''; andWhereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:

|One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, ''You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here.'' The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, ''Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here.''

Why don't dogs make good dancers ?
Because
they have two left feet !

What kind of dance do buns do?
Abundance.

When does a horse neigh?
Whinny wants to!

What person strives to ensure safety for
horses?
Ralph Neighder!

What's another name for an assistant stable
cleaner?
A co-pile-it!

|The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. ''Here,'' he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, ''do you call that pig?'' ''Which end of the fork, sir?'' the waitress asked sweetly.