Newest jokes

What does an aardvark get when he
overeats?
Ant-digestion!

What does an aardvark take for
ant-digestion?
Anta-Seltzer!

Everybody on earth
dies and goes
to heaven. God comes and says ''I want the men to make two
lines. One
line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the
other
line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want
all
the women to go with St Peter.''

Said and done, the next time
God looks the women are gone and there are
two lines. The line of the
men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on
the line of men that
dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said.
''You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image,
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at
the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from
him!'' Tell them my
son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man
said, ''I don't know. My wife told me to stand here.''

Recently
a teacher, a garbage
collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St.
Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each
have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and
asked, ''What was the name of the
ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it.''

The teacher answered
quickly, ''That would be the Titanic.'' St. Peter
let him through the gate.


St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven
didn't
*really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to
make the question a little harder: ''How many people died
on the ship?''

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen
the movie. ''1,228,''
he answered.

''That's right! You may
enter.''

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. ''Name them.''

This guy dies and is sent
to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and
says he
must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan
opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in
cow
manure up to their necks. The guy says ''No, please show me the
next
room''.

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow
manure up to
their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally,
Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are
people
in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea
and
eating cakes.

So the guy says, ''I'll choose this room''. Satan
says O.K. The guys
is standing in there eating his cake and drinking
his tea thinking,
''Well, it could be worse'', when the door opens.
Satan pops his head
around, and says ''O.K. tea-break is over. Back
on your heads!''

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Hunchback
Barbie ...pull the string and she cries, ''Sanctuary!
Sanctuary!''

There
is a new Barbie doll on the
market - Tonya Harding Barbie ...you
didn't think we'd sell one
without the other, did you?

There is a new
Barbie doll on the
market - Barbie Brain in a Jar ...an empty jar

FIRST HUMAN BOY: I can lift a
monster with
one hand.
SECOND HUMAN BOY: Bet you can't!
FIRST HUMAN BOY:
Find me a monster with one hand and I'll prove it.

What do you get if you cross a bird with a

monstrous snarl?
A budgerigrrrrr!

A man sitting in a barber's
chair
noticed that the barber's hands were very dirty. When he commented

on this, the barber explained, ''Yes, sir, no one's been in for a

shampoo yet.''

Why do barbers make good drivers?

Because they know all the short cuts.

Doctor, doctor, can you give me

something for my baldness?
How about a few pounds of pig manure?

Will that cure my baldness?
No, but with that on your head no one
will come near enough to notice
you're bald.

Why do bald-headed men never use
keys?
Because they've lost their locks.

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. ''Yes Dad, what is it?''''Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn'tgo well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to comeand live with you and your wife....''

Women are like guns,
keep one around long
enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

A
fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding
night asks his mother, ''Mom,
why are wedding dresses
white?''

The mother looks at her son and replies, ''Son, this shows the town

that your bride is pure.''

The son thanks his mom, and then
seeks his father opinion, ''Dad, why
are wedding dresses
white?''

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, ''Son, all household

appliances come in white.''

Why did God invent shopping carts?
To teach
women how to walk on their hind legs.

And more on blondes...Q: But why do brunettes take the pill? A: Wishful Thinking.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.