Newest jokes

Men
are like road kill.
They usually just
lie around until they start to smell.

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, ''You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch''.''But I'm not pregnant,'' she says.''Well you're not out of the ditch yet,'' he says.

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. ''Hey, you know anything about parachutes?'' he shoutedto her, as they passed by. The reply: ''No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?''

''Hey, Pal'', the irate druggist shouted, ''Put that cigar outwhile you are in my store!''''I bought this cigar here!'' claimed the Customer.''Big Deal!'', said the Druggist. ''We sell condoms too.''

A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, ''If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it.'' The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, ''Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!''

Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at the local country club when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said, ''Since you destroyed all of my favorite buttercups, if you ever taste butter, smell butter, or even think about butter you will become deathly ill and die.''Ralph walked out of the rough toward Charlie with a big smile on his face. Ralph then told him his story with a big grin on his face. Charlie says, ''That's not a good thing! Why are you smiling?'' Ralph replies, ''I almost hit the pussy willows.''

|The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. ''Name?'' ''Brendan O'Connor.'' ''Same as mine. Where are you from?'' ''County Cork.'' ''Same as me......'' The policeman paused with his pen in the air. ''Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab.''

|''Young man,'' said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. ''It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!'' ''I'm glad to hear you say that,'' replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. ''Everybody else says it's all my fault!''

|The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. ''Now don't let me ever see your face again,'' said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. ''I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir,'' said the released man. ''And why not?'' ''Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!''

|The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. ''Aidan,'' said the neighbor, ''I never knew you were so strong.'' ''Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly.''

|In a small southern town there was a ''Nativity Scene'' that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a ''Quik Stop'' on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, ''You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!'' I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said ''See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'''

|10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.8. Perfect for wearing in the basement. 7. Well, well, well... 6. I really don't deserve this. 5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire! 4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program. 1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

What do Psychologists say to each

other when they meet?''
''You're fine, how am I? ''

How many psychoanalysts does it take to
change a light bulb?
''How many do you think it takes?''

How many psychiatrists
does it take
to change a light bulb? One, but he must consult the
DSM-IV.

How many psychiatrists does it take to
change a light bulb? ''Why does
the light bulb necessarily have to
change?''

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm

under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with
people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I,
YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!

Look at that bald man over there.

It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears.

America's
oldest lady was 115 years
old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her
head.
How
come?
She's completely bald.

What's your dad getting for Christmas?

Bald and fat.