Newest jokes

Q: How many Executive Producers does it
take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Executive Producers don't
screw in a light bulb, they screw in a
hot tub.

Q: How many over eager PA's does it take
to
screw in a li...
A: Done!

Q: How many PA' does it take to screw in

a light bulb?
A: What's a light bulb?

What is a collie puppy's favorite toy?
A
chew-chew train!

What kind of dog can you best see in the
dark?

A glowberman pinscher!

What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball?
The
Philadelphia Beagles!

How do you make a cat drink?1 cat2 lemonsVodkaMix then serve

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water.''That way,'' he said, ''You get an extra day out of them between drinks.''As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls.The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.''Doesn't that hurt?'' asked a tourist.''Nah,'' replied the bloke. ''Only if you get your fingers caught!''

A young man called his mother and announced

excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.
''Now what
should I do?''
His mother has an idea.
''Why don't you send her
flowers, and on the card invite her to your
apartment for a home
cooked meal?''
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later
the woman came
to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see
how things had gone.
'' I was humiliated,'' he groaned. ''She insisted
on washing the
dishes.''
'' What's wrong with that?'' asked his
mother.
'' We hadn't started eating yet.''

OUESTION: What is cosmetics?
ANSWER:
Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading
between the
lines.

QUESTION: What is the difference between a

''Battery'' and a woman?
ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.

QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful

figure?
ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.

A man was walking on the beach one day
and
he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.

Inside was a genie. The genie said,'' I will grant you three wishes and

three wishes only.'' The man thought about his first wish and decided,

''I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank
account.
POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There
was the
car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, '' I
wish I was
irresistible to women.'' POOF! He turned into a box of

chocolates.

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like ''cunt'' and ''cock'' scrawled all over the blackboard. ''Children,'' she said, addressing the classroom, ''you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them.'' At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, ''All right. Everybody open their eyes.'' All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But below them was the message: ''Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!''

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously ''What ya doin' dad?''His father qiuckly replied ''I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.'', to which Little Johnny replied ''What ya gonna do, fuck him?''

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, ''I know the whole truth.'' Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, ''I know the whole truth.'' His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, ''Just don't tell your father.'' Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, ''I know the whole truth.'' The father promptly hands him $40 and says, ''Please don't say a word to your mother.'' Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, ''I know the whole truth.'' The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, ''Then come give your real father a big hug.''

What's the difference between a monster

and a mouse?
A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.

Did you hear
about the monster with five
legs?
His trousers fit him like a glove.

What's big and ugly and drinks
out of the
wrong side of the glass?
A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.

Why did the monster dye her hair yellow?
To
see if blondes have more fun.