Newest jokes

|Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, ''How do these represent Christmas?'' Answer... ''They're Carol's.''

|On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.The cop says to the kid, ''Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?''The kid says, ''Yeah.''The cop says, ''Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.''The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, ''By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?''Humoring the kid, the cop says, ''Yeah, he sure did.''The kid says, ''Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back.''

|1. You strike a match and light your nose. 2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you. 4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 6. You hear someone say, ''Call a priest!'' 7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. 14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

|A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ''I think it's raining,'' he said to his wife.''No, that felt more like snow to me,'' she replied. ''No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said.'' Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. ''Let's not fight about it,'' the man said, ''let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.''As the official approached, the man said, ''Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?'' ''It's raining, of course,'' he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: ''I know that felt like snow!'' To which the man quietly replied: ''Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!''

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.'' So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.'' The Collie replies, ''That's not good enough.'' The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.'' She says, ''That's not creative enough.'' Finally, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone . . . cheese mine.''

ELEMENT: WOMANSYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER: ADAM ATOMIC MASS:Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.OCCURRENCE:Copious quantities in all urban areas.Physical Properties:1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.3. Melts if given special treatment.4. Bitter if incorrectly used.5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.Chemical Properties:1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. Common Uses: 1. Highly ornamental.2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.3. Very effective cleaning agent. Tests: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.Hazards: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can bemaintained at different locations as long as specimens don't comeinto contact with each other.

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty yearold daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from SanFrancisco to Washington. ''For gods sake!'' he screamed, ''Someone could have attacked youand raped you!'' ''I wasn't ever in no danger at all'', she said, trying to calm himdown. ''As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going toWashington, because thats where they have the best treatment forsexually transmitted diseases.''

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon? - Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, ''Lord, I have a problem!'' ''What's the problem, Eve?'' ''Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.'' ''Why is that, Eve?'' came the reply from above. ''Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.'' ''Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.'' ''What's a 'man', Lord?'' ''This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.'' ''Sounds great,'' says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. ''Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.'' ''What's that, Lord?'' ''You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.''

What has four legs and see just as well from

either end?
A horse with his eyes closed!

What happened to the horse that swallowed a
dollar
bill?
It bucked!

When does a horse talk on the phone?

Whinny wants to!

How does a football player make phone calls?

On a touch-down phone.

How does a baritone make phone calls?

Song distance!

Did you ever see a country boy in New

York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers,

''Taxi!''

Blake and his parents were
drinking
at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three

of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that

they had missed the train.

''The next train is in one hour,''
said the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar. The
parents had another drink; Blake
had a Pepsi.

Again they
heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling
away.


''Next one is sixty minutes from now!'' said the stationmaster.


An hour later, Blake, with his mom and dad, raced out onto the

platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The
boy was
left standing on the platform and began to laugh
uproariously.

''Your parents just left you,'' said the stationmaster. ''Why
are you
laughing?''

''They came to see me off!''

Dilmer, six-foot-three, two hundred
eighty pounds, was thrown from
his seat when the Southern Railway train
he was riding derailed.

The giant teenager flew a dozen feet
through the air before hitting
headfirst against a steel partition.
For a moment Dilmer lay dazed,
rubbing his head. The conductor came
by and kneeled down beside him.

''Don't move!'' said the
conductor. ''We've called an ambulance.''

''Naw,'' said the boy, getting
to his feet. ''I ain't hurt so bad.
That steel wall musta broke my
fall!''

A San Francisco motorist following a

taillight in a dense fog crashed into the car ahead of him when it

stopped suddenly.

''Why didn't you let me know you were going
to stop?'' he yelled into
the mist.

''Why should I?'' came a
voice out of the fog. ''I'm in my own
garage!''

McAfee and Bracket were driving home
after a big party.

''Hey,'' said McAfee, ''be sure to watch out for
that bridge that's
coming down the road toward us.''

''What
are you telling me to 'watch out' for?'' asked Brackett.
''You're
the one who's driving!''

Q: How many Agents does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Actually, agents will screw in just about
anything.