Newest jokes

What are the three fastest means of
communication?
Internet, telephone, telawoman.

Q: Which is easier for a man to
leave: the
women or the Wine?
A: It depends on the age.

Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to

change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of
Real Men around to do
it.

Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old,

ugly and poor man?
A: Stupid!

What came first, the chicken or the egg? - I'd have to say it was the rooster!

Why does a dog lick his balls? Because he can't make a fist.

Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?Because they can.

What's brown and crispy on the outside, and white and creamy on the inside? A cockroach.

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner,''Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!''''Yes, I'm amazed also,'' came the reply. ''He hated the book.''

What's the definition of a school report?

A poison pen letter from the principal.

Young
Vestal was walking in his Florida
backyard when an alligator bit him.

''Mama!'' yelled the boy. ''A
gator jus' bit off mah foot!''

''Which one?'' called his mother
from inside the cabin.

''How the hell should Ah know?!'' he
shrieked. ''They all look alike to
me!''

A naughty child was
irritating all the
passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last
one man
could stand it no longer. ''Hey kid,'' he shouted. ''Why don't
you go
outside and play?''

Fred: Where does the new kid come from?

Harry: Alaska.
Fred: Don't bother - I'll ask her myself.

Mother: Did you get a good place in the

geography test?
Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in
the class.

What did the
hail storm say to the
roof?


-Hang onto your shingles, this will be no ordinary
sprinkles

How do
hurricanes see?


-With
one eye

What are hurricanes with a central dense
overcast over
the eye called?


-Hurricanes with cataracts

Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?

Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.

Q: Why did the chicken say,
''Meow, oink,
bow-wow, and moo?''
A: He was studying foreign languages.

|Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some thing.Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: ''Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.''Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.Scully: But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it? Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry. Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained. Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse. Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies? Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding. Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry. Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace. Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there. Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions. Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly? Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father. Scully: Impossible. Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files. Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake. Scully: But we have no proof. Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red. Scully: But that was a meteor shower. Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night. Scully: Mulder, I -- Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter. Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...