Newest jokes

Q: How many PA's does
it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine........one to do it and eight others to
wish they'd been
asked.

Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?To open windows

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity? A: Her crayons are still sticky.

Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

|Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!! Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS. For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. ''Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!''Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?In this corner Evander ''the Real Meal'' Holyfield!!!!!!!Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

|Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.''I'll do anything for 3 points'', he said when questioned.

|The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said ''we don't just need points now, we need snookers!''

|British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

A librarian was quietly working when three
chickens
walked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and said ''BUK BUK

BUK'' Not sure she was sane she gave the chikens three books and
they left.

An hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto
the counter,
returned the books they had taken earlier and said ''BUK
BUK BUK'' Now
convinced she was out of her mind she gave them three
books, they took one
each and left. This time she decided to follow
them. She followed them
down to the local pond and stood horrified
as they threw the books into
the water.

All of a sudden they
flew back out of the pond and a frog stuck it's
head up saying
''RREDIT RREDIT RREDIT!''

Why do they bury lawers 26 feet underground?Because deep down, they are really nice guys.

Question: What is 1 + 2 ?Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures,you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

''Where's the car?'' asked Professor

Delbert's wife when he got home.

''Did I take it out?''


''Yes, you drove it to school this morning.''

''I suppose you're
right, my dear. I remember now that after I got
out, I turned to
thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he'd
gone.''

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take
to change a light
bulb?
A: Six - One to force it with a hammer
and five to go out for more
bulbs.
A: Two, one to screw in all
the bulbs he has until he finds one that
fits, and the other to
tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the
whole socket.

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it
take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: What ? Go all the way up there
and come back empty ? You must be
jokin' mate !

Policeman: Why were you
speeding?
Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on ''America's Most

Wanted.''

Policeman:
Why were you
speeding?
Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of
gas.

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads: Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5 So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves. The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says: You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. COST $10 So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks ''How did you do that?'' The guy says ''The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!''

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck, ''What's your name?''''Huey,'' replies the duck. ''So, how's your day been?''''Oh, I've had a great day,'' replies Huey. ''I've been in and out of puddles all day.'' The bartender asks the second duck, ''What's your name?'' ''Duey,'' replies the duck.''So, how's your day been?'' ''Oh, I've had a great day,'' replies Duey. ''I've been in and out of puddles all day.'' The witty bartender says to the third duck, ''So I guess your name is Louie?'' The duck replies, ''No, I'm Puddles.''

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, ''See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!'' She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, ''See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!'' She is aching for action at this point.Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, ''Why are you in such a hurry to leave?'' She replies, ''With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!''

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.''What's the matter?'' the bartender asks. ''My wife and I got into a fight,'' explained the guy ''and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.'' The bartender thought about this for a while. ''But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?'' asked the bartender. '' Yeah, except today is the last night.