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|'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to ''Elves'',''Vertically Challenged'' they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called ''Unenlightened.''And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even you.So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...''May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.''This document is copyright (c) Harvey Ehrlich 1992.

|Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

Q. How
are men like television
commercials?
A. You can't believe a word either one of them says, and they both

last about 30 seconds.

Boy: Grandma, do you know how to
croak.
Grandma: No, I don't think so. Why? Boy: Because Daddy says
he'll
be a rich man when you do.

''What
were you before you came to school,
boys and girls?'' asked the teacher,
hoping that someone would say
''babies.'' She was disappointed when all
the children cried out,
''Happy!''

More gay banter...Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they starteddiscussing them.The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owneda factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave hisbest friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.The second man said his son was doing just as well.He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.The third man said his was doing well too.He was a manager at a bank.Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much.But he must be doing something right because,just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there is an exception to every rule.If we accept ''For every rule there is an exception'' as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there can be an exception tothe rule that for every rule there is an exception.

If a tree falls in the forest, and there's noone there to hear it, does it make a sound?Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.

An academic problemIn a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, ''When will the girls and boys meet?'' Mathematician: ''Never.'' Physicist: ''In an infinite amount of time.'' Engineer: ''Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes.''

Policeman: Why were you
speeding?
Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene.

Why did the updraft get pulled
over?


-It was speeding in a high shear zone

What do lightning bolts do when they
laugh?


-They crack up

What is a hurricane's favorite
pet?


-Anywhere from 1 to 5 cats

What game do tornadoes like to
play?


-Twister

What do snakes write on the bottom of their

letters?
With love and hisses.

Have you ever seen a duchess?
Yes - it's
the same as an English ''s''

A little Italian grandfather comes
up to
Customs.
The Customs official says, ''Have you got anything to
declare?''
He thinks a second and he says, ''It's a nice-a day!''

A group of senior
citizens were exchanging
notes about their ailments.

''My arm is so weak I can hardly
hold this coffee cup.''

''Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I
can't see to pour the
coffee.''

''I can't turn my head because
of the arthritis in my neck.''

''My blood pressure pills make my
dizzy.''

''I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.''


''Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still

drive.''

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was
in her
cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by
sea
sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and
headed for the
bathroom. It was not until she collided
with an elderly gentleman that
she realized she didn't
have a stitch of clothing on. Horrified,
she let out a
shriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her
sadly.
''Don't let it bother you, miss,'' he moaned. ''I'll never
live to tell
anyone.''

One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door

of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house

answers. ''Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs
that
people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs
to yard
work, to painting...''

''Painting?'' the woman jumped
in.

''Oh, yes, Ma'am! Im a very careful painter,'' the man
replied, his
face brightening at the realization she could provide him
some work.

''I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some
green paint last
week to paint the porch out back with, but we
haven't had any time. If
you can do a good job, then you can paint it
before he gets home and
surprise him.

''Now, do a particularly
good job and paint the trimmings white also,
and I'll pay you an
extra bonus.''

''Oh yes, Ma'am, I'll do an excellent job!'' He
was told the paints
were also around back in the garage.

nA few hours later, the man returns to the door.

''That was
quick, did you do a good job?'' the woman inquires.

''Oh yes Ma'am,
two coats! But there's something you should know,''
the man says.


''That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!''