Newest jokes

Sung to the Oscar Mayer™ song:His baloney has a first name,It's ''I did not inhale.''His baloney has a second name:''I wasn't getting tail.''He loves to sling it every day,The White House people all just say,That Billy Clinton has a wayOf making bullshit sound OK!

Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?A: Lipstick

What happened to Chelsea Clinton's younger brother?Monica swallowed him!

Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack.All his friends didn't know how to break the news to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'.Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his wife answered the door, he calmly said to her: 'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!' When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to just drop dead!' Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.

Men come in three sizes: Small, medium, and Oh My God!!!

What is a man's best friend? His dick because it always sitcks up for him.

How is a man like a snow fall? -You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Have you heard the one about the . . . . . . . recent survey on cigarettes which found that 90% of the men that tried Camels still prefer women.

There is a new Barbie doll on the

market - Body-Piercing Barbie ...comes with mini-piercing gun and

mini-body ornaments

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Tasmanian Barbie ...spins like a top!

There is a new Barbie doll on
the
market - Siamese Twins Barbie ...complete with surgical
instruments

A son comes to his dad and says:- Dad, i gotta tell you something- Ok, Quick and clear!- 100 bucks

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,''Mommy, can little girls have babies?''''No'', said his mom, ''of course not.''Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to hisfriends, ''It's okay, we can play that game again!''

Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything.His Mama asked him what the problem was. ''Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away.'' ''Now come on, David,'' his mother said, ''a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed.'' ''That's what I did, Mama.''

Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take
to screw in a light
bulb?
A: ''Nobody said I needed doubles on
that!''

Q: How many Camera Assistants does it
take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Five: One to do it and four to
tell you how they did it on the last
job.

Q: How many
art directors does it
take to screw in a light bulb
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?
I've got this neat candle
holder...

Q: How many editors does it take to

change a light bulb?
A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to
change everything.

|Dear Santa:I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.I want to slap Martha Stewart.Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, ''I don't have a microwave.''The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this ''in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either.''Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell ''overkill''? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as ''put away'' in my house!Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. ''Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone,'' she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.She goes on to tell us that ''homemaking is glamour for the 90s,'' and says her most glamorous friends are ''interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel.'' I have one piece of advice, Martha: ''Get new friends.''Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, ''People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone.'' I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, ''Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them.'' Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. ''Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards,'' says Martha.And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an ''important presence'' as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.You probably want to smack her yourself.

|December 14, 2003Dearest Dave,I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!With truly the deepest love,AgnesDecember 15, 2003Dearest Dave,Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.With all of my love,Your AgnesDecember 16, 2003Dearest Dave,You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.Love,AgnesDecember 17, 2003Dear Dave,Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.Affectionately,AgnesDecember 18, 2003Dearest darling Dave,It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!All my love,AgnesDecember 19, 2003Dear Dave,When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.Cordially,AgnesDecember 20, 2003Dave,What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.Sincerely,AgnesDecember 21, 2003O.K. wise guy,The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!AgnesDecember 22, 2003Hey loser,What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!You'll get yours!AgnesDecember 23, 2003You rotten scum!!!There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!One who means it!December 24, 2003Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!Your sworn enemy,AgnesDecember 25, 2003The Law Offices ofBadger, Rees, and Yorker20 Knave StreetChicago, IllinoisDear sir,This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.Cordially,Badger, Rees, and YorkerThis document was written by Agnes Mcholstein.