Newest jokes

A little girl asked santa to send her a sister. Santa said on one condition, send me your mother.

A forester and a lawyer were in car
accident and showed up at
the pearly gates together.

St. Peter
greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the
homeswhere
they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy

vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road,

which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge

mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your
home
for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you
need, just
let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to
his home, back down the diamond
studded boulevard, down the
platinum highway, down the street of gold,
down an avenue of silver, along
a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath
to a shack. St Peter
says ''Here you go'' and goes to leave when the
forester says
''Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion
and I get this s
hack?''

St. Peter says: ''Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen
here, we have
never had a lawyer before.''

Three men were standing in line to get
into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, ''Heaven's getting pretty
close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who
have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?''


So the first man replies: ''Well, for a while I've suspected my wife

has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could
tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal
where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to
the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off the
railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he
wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment and
got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of course, he
couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing him
instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart
attack and died there on the balcony.''

''That sounds like a pretty
bad day to me,'' said Peter, and let the
man in.

The second
man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and
again asks for his story.

''It's been a very strange day. You
see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every
morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I
must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. But I
got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor
below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly
this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was

saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best

I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and

started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when
I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.''


Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty

horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for his
story.

''Picture this,'' says the third man, ''I'm hiding inside
a
refrigerator...''

A new York Divorce Lawyer died
and
arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him ''What have you

done to merit entrance into Heaven?'' The Lawyer thought a moment, then

said, ''A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the

street.'' Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and

after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint
Peter said, ''Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough
to get you into Heaven.'' The Lawyer said, ''Wait Wait! There's

more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.'' Saint

Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this,

too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to
Gabriel, ''Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?''


Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,


''Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.''


Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to
get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell the first
one, ''Heaven's getting
pretty close to full today, and I've been
asked to admit only people
who have had particularly horrible deaths. So
what's your story?''


So the first man replies: ''Well, for a while I've suspected my
wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't
reveal where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went
out to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off
the railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it,
he wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment
and got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but
even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing
him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a

heart attack and died there on the balcony.''

''That sounds like a
pretty bad day to me,'' said Peter, and let the
man in.

The
second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being

full, and again asks for his story.

''It's been a very strange
day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and
every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this
morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the f
loor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when

suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was

saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best

I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and

started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just
when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm
here.''

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a
pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for
his story.

''Picture this,'' says the third man, ''I'm hiding
inside a
refrigerator...''

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets

to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few
questions.

''Sure,'' GOD says, ''Go right ahead''.

''OK,'' the man says. ''Why
did you make women so pretty?''

GOD says, ''So you would like them.''


''OK,'' the guy says. ''But how come you made them so beautiful?''


''So you would LOVE them'', GOD replies.

The man ponders
a moment and then asks, ''But why did you make them
such airheads?''


GOD says, ''So they would love you!''

Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind

wander?
A: It's too little to be out alone.

Q: Why do men float better than
women?
A:
Because they are scum.

Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The
handsome, the caring, and the majority.

What did the overweight
ballet dancer
perform ?
The dance of the sugar plump fairy !

What sort of dance do fish do at
parties
?
The conga !

What animals are poor dancers?
Four-legged
ones, because they have two left feet.

An eighty
year old couple were having
problems remembering things, so they decided
to go to their doctor to
make sure nothing was wrong with them. When
they arrived at the
doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about
the problems they
were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out,
the doctor told them that they were
physically okay but might want
to start writing things down, making notes
to help them remember
things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night
while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his wife
asked, ''Where are you going?''

He replied, ''To the kitchen.''


She asked, ''Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?''

''Sure.''


Then his wife asked him, ''Don't you think you should write it
down so
you can remember it?''

''No, I can remember that.''


''Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had bett
er
write that down cause I know you'll forget that,'' his wife
said.

''I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with

strawberries.''

She replied, ''Well, I also would like whipped
cream on top. I know you
will forget that. You had better write it
down.''

With irritation in his voice, he said, ''I don't need to
write that
down, I can remember that.'' He went into the kitchen.


After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed
her a
plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a
moment and said, ''You forgot my
toast.''

Two elderly women were
staring at the
numbers of
the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked
if
they needed any assistance with something, one
asked how they were
going to be able to reach way up
there to push the button for their
floor.

One day a lady was driving on the
Highway.
She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed

within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror,

much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make

matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She
thought
to herself, ''Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding.
I'm not
drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license
dues and
everything!''

So, she pulled over and the police car
pulled over to the side right
behind her car. She drove her car
slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down
the window, and prepared for a
ticket when she knew she didn't deserve
it. A policeman walked up to
her window, and spoke to her. The lady
pointed to her ear and shook
her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman
smiled slightly, and
knowing sign language, signed back, ''I know. I'm
here to
tell you that your horn is stuck.''

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith

and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her
front
porch and shout ''PRAISE THE LORD!''

Next door to her lived
an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would
shout, ''There ain't no Lord!!''

Hard times set in on the elderly
lady, and she prayed for GOD to send
her some assistance. She stood
on her porch and shouted ''PRAISE THE
LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM
HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME
GROCERIES!!''

The
next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag

of groceries and shouted, ''PRAISE THE LORD.''

The neighbor jumped
from behind a bush and said, ''Aha! I told you
there was no Lord. I
bought those groceries, God didn't.''

The lady started jumping
up and down and clapping her hands and said,
''PRAISE THE LORD. He
not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil
pay for them.
Praise the Lord!''

Two police officers saw this old woman

staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too

much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just
drive
her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the
officers
gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove
through the streets
they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she
would say as she
stroked the officers arm is ''Your Passionate'' They
drove awhile longer
and asked again, again the same response as she
stroked his arm ''Your
Passionate''. The officers were getting a
little upset so they stopped
the car and said to the woman, Look we
have driven around this City for
two hours and you still haven't told
us where you live. She replied I
keep trying to tell you: ''Your
Passin It!''

|Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship) From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995 Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: ''Winning's no big deal.'' Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie! What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy! Tired of going to Disneyland.

|At the Gym For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. Day 1 They suggest I keep this ''exercise diary'' to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.Day 2 Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great Day 3 The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.Day 4 Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word ''dumb'' must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank. Day 5 I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies? Day 6 Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.Day 7 Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

|Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Hockey Barbie ...comes
with hockey stick and missing teeth