Newest jokes

Time flies like an
arrow, but fruit flies
like a banana.

Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they
hang around in bunches.

How do you catch King Kong?
Hang upside down
and make a noise like a banana.

Girl Monster 1: ''I hear you've met the

perfect guy.''
Girl Monster 2: ''Oh yes, he's a bad dream come
true!''

How does a
monster begin a fairy
tale?
''Once upon a slime . . .''

What monster plays the most April Fool's

jokes?
Prankenstein!

What would you get if you crossed a monster

with a Thanksgiving dessert?
Bumpkin pie!

What does an aardvark keep in his
aquarium?
An aard-shark!

What goes: Clip Clop Clip Clop BANG Clipidy Clop Clipidy Clop?An Amish drive-by shooting.

Which two letters are
rotten for your teeth?

D K

Why is the letter ''t'' so important to a stick
insect?
Without it would be a sick insect.

Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma

like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well,

Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.

Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning,

and upon reading it burst into floods of tears.
''What's the
matter?'' asked her companion.
''Oh dear,'' sobbed Auntie, ''It's my
favorite nephew. He's got three
feet.''
''Three feet?'' exclaimed her
friend.
''Surely that's not possible?''
''Well,'' said Auntie,
''his mother's just written to tell me he's
grown another foot !''

|A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, ''Fill it up, will you?''. The man says ''Sorry - we're right out of petrol.'' So the man considers, and says ''Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?'' And the attendant responds''Sorry, but no oil either.'' The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant ''Just what kind of petrol station is this ?'' The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man ''To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front.'' The man then says ''Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !''

|(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. ''Jazus Mick...Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!.'' Mick says to Paddy; ''No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window! ''OK!'' says Paddy, ''Where are we then?''Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; ''Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North''''Brilliant!'' replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: '' Where are we now Mick?''Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; '' Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction.''Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: '' Where are we now Mick?'' Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; ''Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: ''That was Brilliant...But...Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats''. ''Well!'' said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!''

|Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means ''maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?'' The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. ''No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.'', replied Brennan.

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A:
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Question: What's the difference between sin and

shame?
Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to
pull it
out.

Question: What's another name for pickled
bread?
Answer: Dill-dough.

Question: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down

his pants?
Answer: He heard the snowblower coming.