Newest jokes

Peg-Leg Baldy A bald man with a peg leg

gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about
his
appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he
gets
there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would
rather cover
his head and leg with a costume instead instead of
exploiting his
apparent problems. So, the shop owner comes back with a
lifeguard costume.
The man says, ''No, no. That will show off my peg
leg. I can't hide it
with that. Try again.'' So the shop owner
leaves and comes back with a
monk costume And again the man says, ''No,
no. I can't wear that. It
will make people notice my head.''
Obviously pissed off, the shop owner
leaves and comes back with a
five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to
the man and says, ''Here. Just take
this.'' Confused, the man says,
''What am I suposed to do with a bag
of caramels?'' Smiling, the shop owner
says, ''Take home this
bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over
your body, stick
that peg leg up your ass and tell everyone you're a
caramel
apple.''

two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one

starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a

transplant operation.the bald guy says he cant afford it.so his mate
says to
go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy
says how
will that help? His mate says well from a distance they
will look like
hares.(hairs)

|A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

|Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop! The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen. How do you do that? Says the other. It's easy! I turn off the light!

|At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.''The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!'' An old granny overheard and spoke up, ''Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!''

|The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.''Steve,'' his wife said, while reading the newspaper, ''it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers.''To which the husband replies, ''Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone.''

How does every ethnic joke start?By looking over your shoulder.

Jewish telegram: ?Begin worrying. Details to follow.?

Q: What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD?A: A trip to Israel.

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.''Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.''They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.''Okay'', says the rabbi, ''let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.''Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, ''You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!''

Why did the monster get a ticket at
Thanksgiving dinner?
He was exceeding the feed limit!

Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R. Then to use it in a sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint to little Suzy and said ''Ear''

Teacher: Why are you late?Little Johnny: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Little Johnny: The one that says, ''School Ahead, Go Slow. ''That's what Idid.

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny . So she said , ''If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?''''Somebody else's pants.'' said the Little Johnny.

What is a chameleon's
motto ?

A change is as good as a rest !

Here's a money saving tip for Christmas: Glue Ju Ju Bee on a Brick and mail it out as a fruitcake!-Julie Brown

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a
private disguised as
a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was
spotted by a visiting
general.

''You simpleton!'' the officer
barked. ''Don't you know that by
jumping and yelling the way you did,
you could have endangered the lives of
the entire
company?''

''Yes sir,'' the solder answered apologetically. ''But, if I may say

so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target

practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower

branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the
bigger
say, ''Let's eat one now and save the other until winter'
--- that did
it.''

The
theatrical manager exclaimed: ''Your
last role was magnificent, Mr. Brown.
You enacted so well that
officer wounded on the battlefield. Your
suffering looked very much like
real.''

''It was. I've got a large nail in my shoe.''


''Well,'' said the manager, ''for heaven's sake leave it in until the

end of the run of the play.''

Recruits were shocked at the language the

sergeant used in their unit. During a smoke break one young soldier
asked:
''Sergeant, where did you le-arn your
language?''

''Learnit, hell, it's a gift,'' proudly informed the NCO.

Q: What is Iraq's
national bird ?
A:
Duck